OH. MY. GOD. You are not going to believe what just happened. I was sitting here on my gentle, quiet Sunday morning, watching Meet the Press, and enjoying a very kind email sent to me by someone who actually reads this blog. I had the large Law & Order hardback book by Wolf and Burstein in my lap, where I was checking something. I saw my naughty boy cat (Seamus), sniffing and pawing at a large, black plastic bag on the ground near me. A cat pawing and sniffing at something always worries me, since sometimes it means they may want to use it to crap on.
I shooed him away and with a flourish snatched up the plastic bag.
*SPLASH*
An ENORMOUS, and I do not joke when I say ENORMOUS wave of yellow cat piss flew from the bag and splashed ALL over me, my book, and the treasured comments from my writing professor that were sitting on the ground at my feet. It drenched my clothes, and even left a sizable mark on my roommate’s (eek!) computer chair which is already old and rather…absorbent.
I don’t know how many of you have had the pleasure of taking in the scent of cat piss, but it is one of the most powerful, disgusting, gag-inducing smells on the planet. Sometimes it’s like sticking your head in a toilet bowl of ammonia, and sometimes it has a more sickly, buttery smell. This one is the latter.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, after rinsing off my poor book, I have taken a very long shower.
WHY, do you ask, would my cats piss in a large trash bag on the floor? Well, let me just tell you…the apartment is in various degrees of super tidy and super disastrous. Both my roommates are in Las Vegas (thank you, Jesus!), so I was taking this opportunity to do two things: 1) clean the nasty apartment and 2) finalize teaching my two cats how to use the toilet. Yes, the actual toilet (see the book listed on the left).
The toilet-training had been going really well. Basically, I’ve been putting an inch of The Voice newspaper underneath their litter box each day, until it reached the height of the toilet itself. So far, except for one accidental dumping of the litterbox, it has all gone fine. Despite the ever-increasing height of the box, to even where I was wondering if they could jump up there, the cats have been doing great. Then, I moved the box literally ON TOP of the toilet seat, covering it, securing it with bungee cords. Besides being terribly inconvenient (I had to remove the bungee cords and litterbox every time I wanted to use the toilet), it has also gone really well.
Now, the final step! And just in time since my roommates come home tomorrow night. You remove the litterbox completely, stretch a piece of saran wrap over the toilet opening, dump some litter there, and leave it. The cats, already knowing the toilet is wear they go to the bathroom, should jump up there as usual (despite the now lacking litterbox) and see the litter and then just use it to crap/piss. I tried to encourage them, just as I have with the scratching post and such. Of course, cats are not happy to be up on a toilet seat, and they were a little alarmed that the part with the litter would not support their weight.
But, I waited. I left the house, since they often go the bathroom when I’m not around. I came home. Nothing. Not even a dent in the litterbox. How do you encourage a cat to crap?
I went to bed, thinking now, they wouldn’t be able to hold it any longer and would take advantage of me being unconscious. When I woke up, I went to the bathroom and saw two small indentations in the litter, but no piss, no crap. Someone had tried it out and given up.
Well, I guess I know what happened! Finding the large plastic bag on the floor (leftover from my new 13” TV I bought last night – an issue from another time), they thought that would be a lot easier than balancing on a slippery toilet seat.
Again, can I say, FUCK!?!?!?!?!
I am not sure what to do now. Do I just give up, pull the litterbox out of the closet and just forget I even tried this? Start over again at zero and try again? Keep up my faith that they will use the toilet seat within the next 24 hours and that I will NOT find any other piss/shit surprises?
I’m going to go work-out now and pray that when I get back, I find cat poop in the toilet.
Oh god, my hands still smell like cat piss. Gotta go.
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Quickie Book Review: Live from New York: An Oral History of Saturday Night Live by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller -- A
Hip hip hooray for such a great book, a "juicy read" as my co-worker put it, on all the sex, drugs, and rock -n- roll of SNL. This hefty volume (600 pages of story not counting appendix/index), is intriguing and enjoyable from first to last page. Written as if every cast member/writer/"suit" were sitting around a campfire retelling the show's history from inception to present day. you feel as if almost nothing was left out or kept secret. The honesty is a little shocking but really, quite refreshing and eye-opening. The authors seem to REALLY want you to appreciate how unique, groundbreaking, and demanding SNL was/is to create and maintain, and the message does get across. After reading it, you're not sure if you want to work for SNL or would pay NOT to. As I was reading it, I felt this strange attachment and obsession for the show come over me. The only disappointing part was the vitriolic whining of of Janeane Garafalo whom I've always thought was absolutely cool and "for real." She just comes off (and this is in her own words, since the book is just a compilation of direct quotes) as self-righteous and yet at the same time, snidely insecure. Chevy Chase is an asshole?? And Mike Myers and Dana Carvey didn't get along during the Wayne's World movies? Woah!
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