Effects Sideways

Hi, I’m back.

I just re-read my last post and wanted to jump out this 10th story window. Don’t worry, I won’t. They haven’t quite put me on suicide watch yet.

In fact, today, I am feeling great! For the most part, except for my laundry list of side effects. Let’s get into that, shall we? As previously reported, I am in a medical study to see if ingesting very high doses of anti-depression pills can “cure” someone of depression quickly and without the help of any therapy. Purely physiologically.

For the past week or two, I have been on the top doses of both the pills. It’s rather staggering. In the morning when I take my pile of pills, I think, “This can’t be right.”

The side effects have been the worse I’ve experience in my life, and yet, they’re all “liveable.” Well, kind of. I’m still trying to decide whether to junk this or not. I’m really the “grit your teeth and take it” kind of person if there’s a goal within sight (well, except for maybe exercising).

At first I started shaking. Nothing dramatic, just in such a way that I would be hard-pressed to thread a needle or to operate on a patient. Good thing I’m not a surgeon then! I felt unsteady all the time, like I was going to lose my balance at any point. I was a little bit nauseated all the time. My head would swim, especially if I turned it quickly. I would have to often stop for a second to gather my thoughts before performing an action, just a pause, but noticeable to me. And my usual foot jiggling that I do throughout the day accelerated into rapid fire jiggling and sudden, unpredictable jerks as if the country doctor hit your knee with one of those reaction hammers.

Fun, eh?

Then the worst part. My sleep was roughly disrupted. I would fall asleep fine enough since I am often exhausted by the time I climb into my lovely nest. And then…

I would wake up at 2am. I would go back to sleep.

I would wake up at 3:30am. I would go back to sleep again.

I would wake up at 5:15am. It was much harder to get back to sleep, and the alarm would be going off anyway at 6:30am.

Let me tell you, sleep deprivation is a powerful thing. It just turns you into a zombie-like, disoriented, grumpy, depressed, unfocused person (like I need more of that). I was beginning to panic. The solution? Cutting back on the pills, taking sleeping pills, or living with it.

The sleeping pill seemed like the best choice, but ANOTHER pill? How much can my body take? But how many more choppy nights of loss sleep can I take? In the end I went with the pill, and I take it, sometimes. I only take it if I can go to bed at a reasonable hour and it’s a weekday. I can’t believe I take sleeping pills now. I’ve turned into Elvis.

So here I am a few weeks later. Last week I felt like shit. Today, I feel better. Much better. I don’t if this is just a temporary thing or the beginning of the end. I’m hoping for the latter. I still have side effects to deal with, and though they are lessening, they are ever-present and aggravating.

This isn’t happening as fast as I had hoped. I mean, I was willing to steer through all the side effects if the barrage of pills did the trick – to cure me quick. Raise my serotonin levels, damn it! I know I’ll be fine. The waiting just sucks.