Happiness is Boring

A couple of times I wanted to write an update on my life, and even started a post once, but as I re-read it, it bored the snot out of me and I discarded it. It's true that I really write for myself, to chronicle my life (particularly since I have the memory capacity of an early stage Alzheimer's patient), and to just simply write. I always read them again, and if they bore me, I simply don't post them. I have to be entertained at least a little bit. And if I think it sucks, then anyone else who stumbles upon this site will surely curse the lost minutes to their life.

So, instead of telling a story about a happening in my life, I'll just try to be brief. Though as usual, that probably won't work and I'll spend the next hour writing on and on about whatever comes out of my mind and fingertips.

The cowboy mentioned in a previous post (the one who got away, aka TOWGA), is the biggest presence in my life now. I'll try to avoid to make it sound like the gleeful love affair that makes everyone (including myself) puke our guts out. But, well, it is. And I'll gush as little as possible, but I have to somewhat so the capillaries in my head don't burst from strain.

Let's start with the bad, to keep with blog tradition. 1) He's in the process of a divorce. So far it looks amicable and somewhat swift, but we all know that a divorce is rarely either of those things, for long. 2) Distance. How old do I have to get before I learn that a long distance relationship is a BAD BAD idea? Well, I'm 32 now, so I guess pretty old. And to think I always complain about people who are in their 40's or 50's and do the same shit over and over again.

Okay, that's all I have for the bad. Well, they're BIGGIES, but that's it. Anything else I'd complain about would be small and petty and not really worth it.

Okay, let's quickly do the good. He has all the passion, tenderness, and attentiveness that I always fantasize about, but, unlike the men I have dated with these fantasy qualities, he does not possess their immaturity, sulleness, mood swings, or unpredictability. I keep expecting it. I keep waiting for the sudden cold distance, the unreasonable jealousy, the hyper-sensitivity. But so far, it's just not there. This may have something to do with the fact that he is several years older than I and so just has a natural form of maturity that men I have dated don't have (the last one was several years younger than me and as unpredictable as one of these fucking tropical storms).

And I just feel loved. I mean, really feel loved. All the time, every day. And I never doubt it, ever. This is probably the key, for me, really. I think I need a good, steady amount of reassurance. More insecurities on my part, I suppose, but to me, every "I love you" has an expiration date, and though I don't need it every single day, I'm not one to just "know" it without ever hearing it.

I could go on and on, but I won't. Things are good. I'm broke as all holy hell, I can't seem to get a second job, I've bills up the wazoo, I don't even have enough money to move out of NYC. But, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't. And in two days I go to see him, and we'll see. We'll just see.

I know, and have many times crowed, that love is beautiful, but temporary. I've never feared so much the temporary nature of love as I do now. I don't fear love ending, I feel all the pieces of love fading. The ability to excite your lover. To inspire him. To make him feel happy to be alive. To want to be with you all the time. To always consider you. The ability to simply make your lover happy. You may say those things are all about being "in love" and that they fade into the security and depth of "love," which may be true. But right now, I couldn't bear the second without the first.

And no matter how hard I try, I can't shake my profound mistrust of love. There's just been too much experience to expect the dream-come-true. If you haven't noticed so far, I'm a relationship saboteur. In the "fight or flee" responses, I flee, every time. Bolt right the fuck out of there. So, I may just blow this up, right in my face. But I'm going to try really really hard not to.

"Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't wish..don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl."