It's my birthday. It's okay. I'm feeling mixed emotions. As I've said before, I really really like birthdays. I think they're vastly underrated once you pass the age of 12 and it's a complete travesty that once you're over 25, we're supposed to not care anymore, except maybe at 50 when you're given the black balloons and black-frosting cake with Death toting a scythe.
I'm not going to lie, I don't really want to get older. When I was about 25 I said, "Hmm, this is a good age. I'm not too young to be totally stupid yet still young enough to have fun and experience new things." As of today, that was 9 years ago and I ain't getting that time back. Sure, I wish I "knew then what I know now," but otherwise, I wouldn't have minded being frozen at 25 forever, a la Highlander.
The depressing thing about your 30's is that you're supposed to be a grown up now, settled, have a career (not a job), have kids, have a house, have a spouse, and stop getting hammered, getting laid, and getting in trouble.
As of now, I am not really settled, have no career to speak of (nor JOB!), have no kids (though my friends seem to be popping them out like Pez dispensers), have no house (and won't for a long time, though I'd like one), but I DO have a spouse (what's that, 1 for 5???), and I don't get hammered. Yet in all, honestly, I constantly want to get laid, and I would like to get hammered more than I do, which occurs only 2-3 times a year now.
I also feel immature. Though when I recall myself at 22, a complete fucking mess, it may seem like I've come a long way at 34, and yet, I feel as if there are parts of me that are way too childish to be even remotely proper. And i'm not talking about cutsie, child-like antics, which I also seem to have in abundance, but quite enjoy. I mean, I still am way too emotional for my own liking in ways that I'd be ashamed of if it were publicly displayed. I have selfish tendencies, I pout and sulk, and instead of getting angry or being "adult-like," I tend to just get really hurt and feel very sorry for myself.
I'm still not as responsible with money as I should be (though I am no longer in massive credit card debt hell).
And I'm getting fat.
Now, let's end the pity fest. I'd like to be positive, but it's the wee hours of the morning, it's really dark and quiet, and I'm sitting in a room alone while Beau sleeps in another (he could sleep through a bomb raid), typing along like it's my own personal therapy session. This should be the part where I start listing all the great things about me, but that feels indulgent and arrogant. And no, gentle reader, it's also not a fishing expedition. This is not the time to use the comments section to champion me, no matter how completely fabulous you find me. This is late-night "oh shit" venting of one's life.
I know what's going to happen. I'm going to finally go to bed, wake up in the morning, remember I posted it, utter a few choice curse words, and then come erase it from blogger. Or....I'll tell myself I'm being "brave" and leave it on to show that I am emotionally open and honest and not only going to write about what's funny or interesting. I actually did that with a post not too long back, and it wasn't so well-received. I guess we like giggle-inducing blogs over the depressing ones. In all honesty, I do!
I think my life has been so unstable lately that it's made me rather uneasy. And the difficulty in finding a decent job is really quite stressful. The stakes seem so much higher now. But let's see what I do have...Beau and I have a really great apartment, Beau's a sweetheart (he gave me a strawberry-rhubarb pie for my birthday which is awesome since i'm a pie girl and NOT a cake girl), I'm currently siphoning free internet through someone's wireless connection, Missoula is a pretty neat place, I have enough to eat (which is obvious), and well, hell, it's my birthday!
Happy Birthday to me!
P.S. I will post the continuation of the road trip to GET to Missoula tomorrow or the next. Kisses.
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4 comments:
I'm just gonna copy and paste almost that entire thing to my blog okay? I too, am 34 and one for five. Not even, since Paul and I STILL aren't married due to the holdups in immigration.
So...I hear ya. I'm trying to remember that we all move at our own pace and that there is a reason, but its hard. I feel it too.
Hee Hee, I'm better than 1 for 5, but that doesn't mean I've got anything on you. Actually, there is so much routine and boringness to my life, I WISH I was out getting hammered all the time. Something to break up the monotony.
Regardless, Happy Birthday my dear. Many many more to you!
As a fellow Pez dispenser, let me say that having friends who pop out kids is in no way any kind of reflection on you or what you ought to be doing re: kids, job, whatever. Kids happen when they do, or sometimes not at all. If you desire them, it's most comfortable to have them when your -life- is comfortable, or at least stable - and yours isn't yet. So what? Life is an adventure, and settling down isn't always the prize. What I'm getting at is one-size-life does not fit all. I'm sure you know that already, Wise Old 34 ;)
As for the honest or downer post vs. giggle-inducing: Nothing you ever say is ill-received based on comments. It's easier for people write comments on something funny, because people's deep-downs are so personal, and no one wants to step on your toes or your feelings. I love that people are free to say what they like, how they're feeling on a given day, how things make them feel. Not every day is a party, and I think we all recognize that.
Finally: Happy Birthday :) I hope it was great.
Hey all,
After reading your beautiful (and supportive!) comments, I'm touched. And also a little worried that i gave off the wrong impression.
I am not really upset that I'm not keeping up with my friends. I was never interested in the same things others were (or if I was, never at the same time). Things like travel, interesting jobs (over a career track), living in neat places, and *ahem* experiencing relationships was always more important to me than what others were doing (as I described in my blog).
I think what bothers me is that now that I finally do want some of these things (namely a house and a really nice career) they seem out of my reach in a very uncomfortable way. I know, i KNOW it will get better, but I do see the repetition in my life of moving, new job, new friends, new relationship, then moving again..and it's just finally lost its charm.
As for kids, I've always wanted them, but have NEVER been interested in them in the present time, always as a future thing. Once in awhile I toy with the idea of NOT having them, though that only appeals to me on a somewhat selfish level. I'm not in a BIG hurry for the kids though. It's funny, I'm 34 and don't feel like i'm in a rush to have kids, but I've definitely been given both subtle and obnoxious hints that I better "hurry up" and get knocked up. Idiots.
Anyway, thanks guys. Overall, I'm okay. I just am a bit tired right now and both Beau and i are VERY frustrated on our lack of income.
P.S. Laz, hope I didn't offend you with the Pez Dispenser comment *laugh* though there has been a veyr unusual surge in my friends' pregnancy/birth status. Oh, and I loved the "settling down is the prize" comment. Nice.
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