Freedom and Suckiness

I feel as if Jera and I are 'Life is Crap' twins lately, for when I read her blog, it's like reading a page out of my own life. You begin to reconsider a lot of things about yourself when things continuously go wrong, like, "Wait a minute, maybe *I* am the lunatic here." I remember back in Bangkok, my assistant director and good friend, Bill, used to say over and over again, "Wait a minute, is it us? There's no way that EVERY Western teacher is a fuckwit. What the hell?!?!" This after dealing with yet another asinine teacher who acted in strange and/or frightening way.

And you can't help thinking that it all just kind of snowballs. Stress leads to health issues which cost a lot of money which leads to a lot more stress which makes you more sick, and then you start feeling like a hypochondriac, oh shit. I've recently been diagnosed with dangerously high blood pressure. It's a long story, but to me it seem pretty simple; one-part family history (just about everyone in my family keels over from heart disease, usually somewhat young), and one-part suffocating stress. A deadly cocktail. I'm on medication, and I think about salt a lot more now than I ever did, but so far it isn't budging much. Apparently it's my systolic that's the problem, when you're 170/101, it's the 101 that will kill you.

As I've partially-documented, life in Missoula has pretty much sucked, despite ongoing efforts on both Beau and my part to seek satisfying and decent-paying employment, improve our health, pay off bills, and fight an oncoming depression from it all. I've sort of gotten to the point now where I'm starting to hate it here. Looking at the big picture, I do see a nice, good-sized city that is fairly attractive and has some interesting things going on. But in MY world, it's a place where jobs are low-paying (Montana just passed up South Dakota to become the SECOND-to-worst (best?) state in the country in low wages. Yeehaw.), and where work situations are just so crazy that it does more than confuse me, it totally messes with my head.

Quitting Shop-n-Smile has been one of the greatest joys of my recent life. Just being home at night is wonderful bliss, despite the fact that I spend most of it cleaning and ironing since Beau and I never have the chance to clean our now gross apartment. I was hoping the new focus on my day job at the university would prove to be fruitful. Less tired, less rushed, less distracted. But it now seems that even THIS job is becoming more and more troubled. It hasn't been all that great anyway, but it's was always better than Shop-n-Smile, which made it "the better job."

We got a new boss - and he's one of the most powerful men in the university. He's a really nice guy overall and a genius diplomat. When he arrived, Office Manager Woman (OMW) latched herself to him like a baby possum. There were lots of closed doors and things changed rather quickly. She went from pretty sweet woman you could joke with (who gave me, like, no work to do), to super rigid professional woman (who still gave me no work to do). Her distance was not only alarming, it was somewhat hurtful since although I hated how she didn't give me tasks, personally I liked her very much. I kept telling myself she was just busy (and she has become super busy since the start of our new boss), and I tried to shrug it off.

And, I'm STILL a frickin temp. But the university only allows you to be a temp for a max of six months, and my six months were coming fast. The main reason I allowed myself to be poached by this department and leave the other department I liked so much, was that this department promised the job would go permanent quickly and then so would benefits (medical insurance, free tuition, sick and vacation leave, etc.). Well, it's been six months, and this "temp job" has been extended - THREE times. I've started to become a bit resentful. It feels like my life is just on pause.

So, a week before my six months were up, and I still hadn't heard much, I wrote a letter to my two bosses and the OMW basically saying, "Well, there's only a few days left. I can't work past then...I'll be UNEMPLOYED." I said it a bit more diplomatic than that, of course.

I heard nothing.

This scared the crap out of me, because you'd think if someone thought you were a great employee and wanted to hire you, they'd let you know, not keep you hanging. And I knew that once the six months came about, they could just say "Bye!" and that'd be it. Also, let's remember that I just quit Shop-n-Smile. Fuck.

I reflected on things - I know I've been doing a good job. I rarely do things wrong/mess things up, and I get a lot done. I always show up for work and I've already established great relationships with a slew of people across campus (who often joke how it can't be possible I work in this office, since I "actually have a sense of humor" and I am "too nice"). But when your boss has seemingly turned on you, you're screwed.

The irony here is that my bosses LOVED me at Shop-n-Smile and repeatedly begged me not to quit, and I couldn't stand the place. I thought my bosses here liked me too, but now, now I'm paranoid. At least I get along fantastically with the rest of the staff in the office. I've even gotten Crazy Carla to loosen up some - she actually laughed aloud today and said, "You're so funny!" It felt like a triumph.

So, when that Friday, the final official last day of my "appointment" came, OMW came up to me in the morning and said, "We need to talk in a few minutes." My stomach dropped. Just what you never want to hear either from your boss or from a lover. But, in true medieval torture fashion, "a few minutes" became an hour. Three times during that day OMW told me "We'll meet just after X happens," and then it'd happen, and we wouldn't meet. I felt like I was losing my mind, and thought of a Dilbert cartoon I had JUST seen in the paper a week before where a similar thing happened to Alice, my favorite character:Beau, knowing my sky-high level of stress at what was to happen, called frequently, "Did you meet yet?"

"No! She said after I get back from lunch now!"

"Geeez, postponed again!? She's going to wait until I have to leave for work at 4pm and then I won't be able to talk to you!"

"God, I hope not!"

Consequently, we met finally -- at 5:00pm. I was taken into a room and the door was closed. Great, this is it. I thought about another job I could go for - kind of like a teacher's assistant at the local elementary school. It wasn't glamorous, and it paid less, but it'd get me back into teaching in some form. I kept telling myself this to soothe my soul - for I'd never been let go from a job before, and knowing myself, I knew I'd probably bawl. I just hoped I could control the flow of salt water until I got to my car. No one likes an office crier.

OMW slowly began, telling me that the position had finally been finished (they'd been working on the "job description" for about three months), and that it had been submitted to Human Resources. Now, with everything that had to happen, all the chains of command, the posting of the job to the public, the slew of interviews they'd have to do, and finally hiring someone, it could take about six weeks. (And of course, since they had to open the job up to the universe, there was no guarantee it was mine).

Six weeks! Six weeks of unemployment if I chose to go for this job, instant unemployment no matter what. I inwardly panicked. But no, this was not the case. I was told that although I was about to pass up the 6-month mark, I could continue to work, they would just be forced to pay me for benefits for the six weeks. How odd to have full benefits for 45 days only. Well, okay, so I wasn't being "fired," that was good.

Then, OMW, wearing her all-cool, all-professional demeanor, began to tell me the two things that were "wrong" with me, which in all honesty, weren't really flaws, but just things I had to pay attention to (like that the phones were ALWAYS covered - apparently a pet peeve of our boss - even if I went on break or something). Okay, no problem, I could do that.

OMW then started to go on and on about "communication" and how it had paid special attention to that in the job description, making sure to add it in certain parts. "Communication" has been the hot, new word in this office lately. It's all about us all communicating, which is a joke, it's really more about control, but whatever, I can communicate. So, with this emphasis on talking to each other, I waited for her to address our recent distance, her stony silences, her sudden lack of friendship. She never said anything. So, I brought it up. It had been driving me crazy anyway, and I knew I just couldn't continue at this job with this stupid tension.

Immediately she admitted she had felt it too, and that it had bothered her. To her, it had started after she had returned from a vacation, (her thinking it was me), and that she had even gone to my boss about it (gee, thanks). As we talked, though I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy, I felt a sense of relief that we had gotten this out. Maybe we could become friends again. We both love to laugh, and I had missed that. Then she suddenly told me something I had done that had really upset her. Believe it or not, it was when I was actually thanking her for something she did for me, but she took it as me thanking her for NOT doing something immortal (oh lord), and so, had seen it has some sort of backhanded compliment. It wasn't. It sucks that she interpreted it that way, and I'll have to think about how I presented myself, but it's not an accusation I've ever heard before. "Hey! Thanks for not being a dick!"

I felt like things were better, and yet, still strained. When I had asked her what my chances were of actually getting this job permanently (since I had stuck it out so long with that in mind), she refused to give me any clue, saying it wouldn't be right to say. Then she went on to say that when I first joined the staff, and we had frequently chatted, and she told me a buttload of juicy gossip and information on a regular basis, that it had been "totally inappropriate." Well, maybe in an "official" way stuff like that is inappropriate, but co-workers in most offices bond on their mutual gossip, and OMW had never shared anything with me that was malicious or cruel, mostly just the history of the place, which was already steeped in chaos. Her statement made me feel bad again, because all those chats had been so friendly and fun. I guess that means we wouldn't be buddies anymore. I told her I was relieved, because I thought I was going to get let go. "No, no, no," she said, "I would never do that. I would only fire someone if something was really dreadfully wrong" (well, gee, I guess I'm not dreadful then). So, when I finally left the meeting, I felt better, but just, weird.

The next morning when I came in, I had a feeling of optimism. Things had to get better now. But when I sat down at my desk and opened my email, my heart sank. There was a long letter from OMW, basically going on and on about how my perception of being "fired," was incorrect since technically, it would just be the ending of my temp assignment, so even if I hadn't been offered another six weeks of work, I wouldn't have been fired legally, blah blah blah. Yes, she was right, legally, but really, I would have been let go only because I suck. Hiring another temp now would be silly. The email left me with a cold feeling in my stomach. So much for a warm and fuzzy reconciliation. Again, when your boss is against you, you should start sending our your resume.

God, I want to leave Missoula.