#1 with a Bullet

Right now I'm at home, at least, what was my home, and in a few hours, will forever cease to be.

It is with tremendous sadness that I say that Beau and I are over. If I'd written this the first day after things went down, I would have a torrent of words to express myself. But now...I just can't do it. A part of me has already changed. And it may not be fun and gossipy of me, but I have to be, (sorry for the corniness) true to myself. Compassion and dignity is important to me right now. And so is love.

So, after being painfully confronted with the end of what has been the center of my universe for the past four years -- this relationship -- I immediately went into survival mode, a familiar mode for me. I escaped to a neighbor's house -- a wonderful woman who has been nothing but kind and compassionate to me. I started looking for jobs, applying to a slew of universities all over the country. I began attending a yoga/meditation class, I started seeing a therapist (god bless New Zealand for free mental health care), and my family doctor put me on anti-depressants and high blood pressure pills -- the same pills I had discarded happily and successfully before we came here over eight months ago. And I immediately began re-reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert - a book about the end of a marriage and clawing your way out of depression.

These actions saved my life.

It is for this reason that tomorrow, with my cat Claus, I will be moving to Auckland, the big city five hours away. I've already procured for myself a pretty great (I hope) job at an impressive non-profit. I am going to put my whole heart and soul into that job. Let's face it, it's not like I have much else to do anyway.

I've already found a place to live. They call them "Granny apartments" here. They're usually a separate building from the main house, basically a studio apartment that sits all by itself. It's small, but it's not like I have a lot of stuff or need a lot of room. And as far as Auckland goes, it's cheap. $200 a week rent (yes, they do it by the WEEK). I have a reliable car. As usual since we were living solely on Beau's salary, money is at a critical point, but I will get by.

And so tomorrow, my life starts over. Again. As someone who in the past preferred living alone and enjoyed doing things by herself, now, I'm scared. I don't want to be without him. I don't want to go to the movies, to Border's, to the Asian food courts, alone. A couple days ago I walked around the mall across the street from my new job in Auckland, and I just felt like I was in some kind of silent bubble. Like the world was going on all around me and I wasn't a part of it.

I've lost my best friend, my love, and my future all in one go.

I know I'll be okay, I know I'm a survivor, etc. I know I may love again, and maybe, if I'm very lucky, I will have a baby. The pain will go away. Things will take on a normal hue. Maybe. Right now I can hardly see past my nose. Each day seems so long.

I've been dealing with this for awhile, but am just writing about it now. There have actually been many positive things, even some funny things, that have happened to me since then that I'm grateful for, and thought about blogging about, but haven't exactly been in the mood. I will get to that soon. I don't want to forget them, and if I don't blog about them, I probably will.

For now, I'm staying positive, I'm keeping my heart full of love, and I'm going to take another step forward in my life. Even if it's not the one I want.