Fart!

Beau says I really shouldn't write about this, but hell, everyone loves a fart story, right??

So the other night I'm working at Shop-n-Smile and I'm doing some task with "Jack" and "Katie." Jack is an unusual guy. In his late 20's, he can be fun and hysterically funny. He can also be loud, obnoxious, and totally inappropriate. I have been lucky to experience mostly his former self. Until now.

Katie is one of the many teenagers working there. I suspect she may be a "mean girl," but I have no proof. I guess it's the attitude. She's super model thin and pretty, is verrrrry laid back, and her mouth is in a constant state of chewing-gum motion. She just exudes that confidence of "cool" that certain teenagers have. She does her work, and that's it, no more, honey. I actually like her a lot, 'cause she's easy to get along with and helpful to me as a newbie. Plus, I don't have to worry about her being super picky about the angle of the pillows in their display or something.

So anyway, we're all working on some task together, and Jack starts telling me how some customer had asked for me specifically because of my vast knowledge of sheets (hahahahaha), and, me being surprised and amused, exclaimed, "Ha! Oh really?" with a burst of energy.

And with that "burst" of energy, I farted.

*POP* Just like that, with no effort or willpower by me, it just sprang out of my body like a horse coming out of the chute. And yes, it was AUDIBLE.

A lot can happen in the second that you publicly fart. A wave of feelings from shock, mortification, fear, dread, and yes, even amusement washed over me. Did they hear it?

You bet my ass they did! Well, HE did, Jack. Thank the gods that Katie did not. That's all I need is for a workplace full of teenagers to know me as "That Fart Girl."

And Jack, being the kind of guy he is, immediately took off with it. "Oh my god! Did you just do that? Did that just happen? Did you hear that?"

"What?" Katie drawled in a bored tone.

"Nothing!" I said. And then I just started laughing. The whole thing was so totally ridiculous that I really thought it was hysterical. Yes, I was embarrassed, but I was also amused. I couldn't believe it had happened, just like that, like the crochety, 65-year old man who used to do it in the office back in NYC. I'm 34 and have already lost control of my bodily functions. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that apple crumble before work.

"I can't believe you just did that!?" Jack continued to bellow. I was laughing, but also wanted to kick him in the nuts. "Shut up!" I said.

"Whaaaat?" Katie asked again.

"Nothing!" I repeated.

Since then, Jack has not let me forget it. An hour later when we were in a different part of the store, he brought it up again. "I can't believe you did that!" he said.

"It's not like I did it on purpose, and I would appreciate it not getting around, please!" I said.

"Oh no, I wouldn't do that!" he assured me.

Since then, I have worked with him on one other shift. Again, he brought it up. Three times. And now, since I told him I told Beau about "the incident," he's dying to meet Beau so they can get together and laugh about my public indecency. Okay, it's not that funny anymore!

I think I might have to kill Jack. Soon.