Why...how...are you men able to forgive/forget so easily?
I really do want to know.
Sometimes I find it admirable (and a relief), other times, simply maddening. Example, early this morning I had a minor tiff with Beau. He characterizes it as a miscommunication/misunderstanding. Of course, I think I understood him perfectly. *cough*
So, I go to work feeling pretty bad about the whole thing. It wasn't a blow-out or anything, but it did sort of leave me feeling a little gloomy. One of those times where you wish your job didn't have so much human interaction, so you could just kind of hide away for awhile. The feeling lasted for the next several hours, in a combination of pissed-off'ness and bummed-out'ness. By the time it was time for me to take a late break, around 11am, I wondered if I should call Beau. I wondered if I wanted to call Beau. I typically call him on my break as I'm getting a soda or walking around taking pictures of flowers (*pokes tongue out at Steve*), but I was still a little angry. The couple of hours that had passed had softened my anger a bit, and knowing I shouldn't slide over into Poutsville, I called. Beau answered.
*in booming, gregarious voice* Heyyy, there's my wife! Hi!
*pause* Hi.
And at that moment, I knew he was fine, the morning was over. It wasn't even to be considered anymore. Just like that. And I also knew, that he probably hadn't given it much thought after I walked out the door. Of course, I couldn't help bringing up that morning again where we did a fast and furious re-hash, then we moved on.
I've never found it super easy to just drop it, to shrug and move on (Beau is unbelievably good at the "whatever" shrug), though I'm no record-keeping grudge holder neither. I know it's not a virtue to hold on to annoyance, anger, sadness despite the fact that I think I'm loads better than I was when I was younger. But still! When I try to reflect on what is the cause, I usually go back to that feeling that people hurt each other, they do wrong to each other, and there just never seems to be any real retribution for that. No, I'm not talking about Rambo kick-ass retribution, but a sort of ...what am I looking for? Regret? A honest wish to "make it right?" And by staying angry, you are letting the person know that, "No, this wasn't a little thing, it did actually kinda hurt, and I wish you'd not dismiss it too easily."
But in all honesty, then there's the flip side -- when I am the big fat horse's butt, it's a nice luxury to have Beau let it roll off his shoulders and greet me the next time with a grin and a hello hug. Personally, I think part of it is also fear -- that if I DO let it go so easily, that it'll just happen again and again, and I'll not only be hurt, but feel like a fool (always a charming combo).
I know it's stereotypical to think men always get over things quickly and women hold it a bit longer, but I've seen it enough times to at least think of it as a general pattern. And if any of you women are more of the shrugging type, then I'd love to hear what you have to say.
And as for you Steve.... :P
15 comments:
Wow, I don't think I've ever been called out by name in a blog post before! This would probably qualify me for a medal in geekland.
Anyway, does this post mean you still hold a grudge against me for that thing I said when, um... that one time?
I have a serious response to offer but I'm sort of still pieceing it together in my head. I'll post later, try not to be UPSET... :P :P :P
I wish I could remember why I
Men are so funny.
Men are dorks. Especially Steve.
I am pretty much the same way you are, Jen. Except I blame it on my mom when I was growing up, but I won't get into it because it's your blog and not mine!
Vent away! I have no problem with that.
Why...how...are you men able to forgive/forget so easily?
It's a threshold / perception thing. If it's something that warrants serious discussion and/or venting, we'll thrash it out to a satisfactory conclusion. Otherwise... not worth worrying about :)
I'd say men are by and large more willing than women to let a relationship slide into a sort of casual status quo. Some might then call that complacency on the part of the man, some neediness on the part of the woman.
But either way, this is not precisely the same thing as willingness to forgive/forget a fight, although it may obscure the issue. Men can harbor a grudge as well as any woman, I'd say, they can turn bitter and cold and angry, but they're perhaps triggered by somewhat different things.
Personally, my post-fight mood is very adrenalin based. I can get very angry quite quickly and I say mean things, but most of the time I'm fine 10 minutes later, when the urge to hit walls has passed.
Sometimes it takes a few hours, but then it's mostly because cruel things were said in the fight rather than whatever ridiculous issue we were actually fighting over.
I love it when Zell weighs in. I miss it!!
Beau says the same exact thing (in regards to the 10 minutes of "heat"). I wonder if it has some sort of evolutionary reason, though I tend to detest those arguments. ("Well, when we were cavemen we had to --insert annoying behavior-- to survive, that's why we act like a jerk today!") *snort*
I still can't quite figure out the best way to express it, but I think guys are more inclined to live moment to moment, while women have a tendency to try and fit individual incidents into a deeper narrative about what makes people tick.
Like with me, there will be some incident, and I'll get ticked. But then life goes on, I'll be off doing other things, and I'll sort of lose the thread of why it was important enough to get angry over. I'll be thinking: "Gosh, life is pretty normal right now. So I can either revisit that issue and get all worked up again, or I can just drop it and life will keep on being normal." And that's sort of why I always end up letting the thing drop, once I realize it's completely up to me whether I let it keep being an issue.
Except for the thing with Anarchrist. He's still a cocksucker, you know?
Steve!! Jillian *waves*!!
I had to get used to the way J. will blow up about something one minute and then have completely forgotten about it the next minute. Since I tend to be ultra-sensitive around raised voices or strong emotions, sometimes it seems odd that I should be so comfortable with J. Maybe one reason, though, is that he tends to blow up about various injustices in the world (typical Libra, though he thinks that's all bunk) and rarely, if ever, blows up at me.
I, on the other hand, tend to be bitchier and grumpier with him than I am with anyone else. Poor guy.
In the end, I'm like you -- I fuss over any argument, and I agree that, on the whole, men worry less about minor tiffs than we do.
Did I jusy say a whole lot of nothing? Probably. Go watch Hugh instead!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q5D_5NCgCI
No, seriously, go watch it. The cameraperson must be one of us, as there's a full frame close-up of Hugh's thrusting pelvis at 1:59.
Hi Shannon! Come visit us sometime. The baby is sooooo cute.
I find Robert and I are like this, too. He often wonders how I can be mad about something for so long. I tend to have a long memory about things I should forget and he has that 10 minutes and then it never happened.
10 minutes? That long? :D
-Anything- can be attributed to "evolutionary reasons", but like you I'm highly suspicious of what people attempt to justify... most of the people (including academics) who make these claims have little or no understanding of evolutionary theory.
Crap crap crap! I wrote a whole fat comment and it went *poof*. Bugger all. ANYWAY...
1) I DID watch the Hugh video enraptured to the point where Beau said, "WHAT are you watching?" *dreamy sigh*
2) I've really enjoyed reading all these intelligent, thoughtful comments and was mulling them over in my mind, in hopes of responding with my own thoughts likewise.
But really, it's just one of those things that's complicated and interesting. It could be because women are (taught to be) more attuned into the emotions and welfare of others (and to care about that), the 'retribution' thing I previously mentioned, or, I was wondering about how women are often taught to always be on guard for THAT GUY who will screw you over (literally and figuratively) and not let him get the best of you. I dunno, I can't really back that up.
For now, I'll (try and) enjoy that we are different creatures, and maybe work a little bit on the whole 'let'n it go' thing.
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