Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - Part II

I got pulled over. AGAIN!

Let me say one more time, in my 19 years of driving, I've been pulled over a grand total of THREE times (and as previously mentioned, all during cross country, Interstate road trips). I've lived in Missoula five months and been pulled over TWICE! (and Beau once). There's some sort of mathematical screwed-upness here, or in the past five months I've become the worst driver ever, or maybe, there's just a ton of cops here. I read something funny in the high school newspaper of a town about an hour north of here (a place quite a bit smaller than Missoula). They were interviewing the foreign exchange students, and a kid from GERMANY said, "It's nice here, but there's a lot more police than in Germany!"

Than Germany!

And when I was in Germany about 11 years ago, I remember lots of cops -- on the subway, in the train station, in McDonald's. Maybe that kid lived on a farm, I don't know. But I still found the statement humorous.

ANYWAY, it was my fault. I was doing something wrong. Doesn't mean I won't defend myself, but I was. It's a bad habit I have picked up since moving to Missoula. You see, I don't know if Missoula ever had any urban and regional planners at the helm, but the tightness of the city and the virus-like growth has made traffic a bit of an ongoing problem. Now after Bangkok, NO city seems to have bad traffic to me, so I don't find it too big of a deal. But the crowded roads do lead to some bad habits....

This is the deal: Normally when I want to turn left at an intersection, I wait until that break in the paint and I enter the left-hand turning lane. Quickly, both Beau and I noticed that if you do wait until that point, just fucking forget it. Behind you, there will be a loooooong line of cars already madly racing up the left lane toward you. They will enter the left lane as soon as possible, despite the fact that that far back the left lane is there to turn into local businesses, a side street, etc. and NOT for getting ready to turn at the distant intersection. If you try to enter the left lane at the "proper" point, you will be smashed from behind. Neither Beau nor I have experienced this habit in any other city we've lived in. It has led to many frustrating moments of my either having to pass up the intersection I wanted to turn left in since I can't get in the turning lane, or do that thing where you halt in center lane with your left blinker on until someone had enough heart to let you in (all the while pissing off the people behind you wanting to continue on straight).

So, I did the wrong thing and adopted this bad habit. As soon as I think is "appropriate," I enter the left turning lane. I'm always a little wary when I do this, since there's always a good chance that no matter how early I get into the lane, some nutjob is already entering it behind me. I also make sure to put that left signal on as soon as possible so everyone knows my intentions. Well, the cop sure did.

Last night it was raining, and I was late late late for Shop-n-Smile. I wasn't driving fast, since rain makes me too nervous to be stupid, but I was intent on getting to work. Unfortunately, Shop-n-Smile sits on the busiest road in Missoula, and I had turned onto it and was driving happily along to work. Then I had to stop in the center lane, quite a distance from the intersection, but "at it" nonetheless. As I was sitting there, I saw the green turn signal twinkle on. Now, this is the very green turn arrow that takes me right into the Shop-n-Smile parking lot, so this was good. The bad thing was that I was a bit far back from the light, and would have to ride the left turning lane for a bit before reaching it. There was a grocery store to the left for this part of the left lane. Well, I'd seen it done so many times before, I might as well go ahead and do it, I was late as it was. I put on my blinker, looked behind me, and eased into the left lane. I got about 50 feet when he pulled out in back of me (he had been just a few cars up), lights merrily blazing away.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!

You know, when you see those dreadful lights, you have those several seconds where you run through all these emotions. "What, wait? Is that? No! Fuck. Wait, is that for me? Maybe it's for another guy. Wait..really? Me? ME!?!?" I literally pointed to myself in the rearview mirror while looking at him.

Ohhhh yeah, it was me alright.

Then for the next several humiliating minutes I had to sit, at the FRONT, of the left hand turn lane waiting for it to change again so he could pull me over, him behind me, with the lights flashing, then going off, then flashing again. I think he did that just to taunt me, because every time he turned them off, I thought, "Oh, maybe he's not really going to get me." Then they'd come back on again, and I'd go, "Yeah, right."

So, then, just as I originally planned, sans Mr. Cop Face, I turned into the Shop-n-Smile lot, making sure to head for the side of the building so my co-workers couldn't share in my joy. With the rain coming down, I lowered my window and got the traditional, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I stuttered and fumbled. I pretty much knew I shouldn't have been doing that, and yet, I wasn't sure it was a breaking the law-type offense. It was. Was my Shop-n-Smile shirt going to save me this time? Damn, I'd forgotten to put the name tag on.

The police officer then gave me a lecture about how I shouldn't do that, since if someone was trying to turn into the grocery store I'd have hit them. He said this habit had become really bad in Missoula and that there had been lots of car crashes as a result, particularly at that intersection. *guilt*

And as a humorous sidenote: he told me that THREE other cars had attempted to do the same thing I did, but they (weren't as much as a blind dumbass as I and) saw the cop, and then suddenly felt the intense need to make a left turn RIGHT there into the grocery store (the cop knew they were full of shit but couldn't do much since they'd stopped mid-breaking-of-law).

Unlike me.

I apologized, and gave him my info. I told him basically what I told you about how I'd noticed this in Missoula and had basically picked up the habit. He agreed again that it was practiced by all. AND WRONG.

He then did that thing where they go back to their car and pretend to be looking up your arrest record, but really, they're trying not to burst out laughing as you pee in your pants, and whisper, "oh god oh god oh god" under your breath. I quickly texted Beau, "Just got pulled over" and waited. Since the last time I got pulled over, I have gotten my driver's license, registration, Montana license plates, car insurance in our names, replaced the muffler, and fixed the headlight. Shouldn't I get credit for that, a la Paris Hilton getting "good behavior" points for simply showing up to court?

He came up to my window and said, "I'm gonna let you off with a written warning this time."

"What? Really? PRAISE JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Okay, that Jesus part was just in my head. The rest just involved a lot of bowing and scraping.

He ended our conversation with a "Have fun at work" and was off. And I didn't pee my pants.

Well okay, maybe just a little.