Dear Men of the United States,
Cologne is a wonderful thing, and the majority of women I know really really love it on you. But here's the problem: 95% of you wear the crappiest, nastiest, gag-inducingest cologne that was ever concocted. Where do you buy that shit, Dollar General?
Please, take my advice....
When shopping for a cologne, head to a nice department store. This is a project, you're not picking up a six-pack. The bottle you buy will (SHOULD) last you at least six m
onths, probably longer, depending on how often you wear it (NOT how MUCH you wear!), so it's an investment of sorts. Give it a LITTLE thought and time. Once you pick one, you can stick with it for years -- it'll be your "signature scent." People will get a whiff of it and instantly think of you in warm and fuzzy ways (unless it's an ex-girlfriend, then one whiff will induce a split-second bout of homicidal rage). Besides, due to the fact that if you make the wrong choice, you're going to totally gross us all out forever, please, give pause!In fact, if you're pressed for time, and like most men, this is just TOO annoying, casually stroll up to 2 or 3 counters and request a sample. Pick anything. If you're in a Dillards, Boston Store, or Macy's, pretty much all of it is going to be good quality. Maybe they'll give you a tiny little sample bottle, or if they're el cheapos, they'll hand you a little paper stick. If it's the latter, stick it in your pocket or your wallet. Shit, you've already got 10,000 useless slips of paper in there already, what's one more? Pull out the sample once in awhile and give it a sniff. If your instant reaction isn't "Mmmm nice," then eliminate it immediately. There is no "maybes" in cologne. This is how I found my current perfume - Dolce & Gabbana's Light Blue (the name is just a coincidence). When rushing from work to the subway each night, I walked through Macy's and nabbed two samples. As I was waiting for the train and on the way home, I'd smell each one. It wasn't until I had Light Blue that I went, "Yes, that's the one!" You'll just want to keep smelling it. Just like the love of your life, you'll just know. Quickly buy a somewhat large bottle and take it home. Congratulations!
If any cologne you're considering is under 20 bucks, put it the FUCK back. It's gross. This is one of those categories where what you spend is what you get. Really. You can have your nasty Head & Shoulders shampoo, your icky Zest soap, but when it comes to cologne, don't be a cheap bastard.
Now that you're home, what next? Well, remember, this is not a shower, and you're not covering up any weird smells (and if you are, go to the doctor, Dorcus Aurelius). Just splash a bit on, maybe your neck, wherever guys put it, I don't know. I've always thought the chest a good place. If you are leaving a Pig Pen-like cloud of stank when walking by, that's too much! If you hear furious coughing when passing strangers, that's too much! If someone says, "Does it smell like a pine forest in he
re to you?" that's not only too much, but it's the WRONG cologne.This is how it's done....your sitting at your computer...minding your own business, not trying to be a playah...a woman walks up to you and leans over your shoulder to read your computer screen. She's chatting with you...and it's THEN that she feels it...it doesn't hit her, it tickles her, seduces her, caresses her. She'll breathe in deeply, then feel momentarily breathless, and her heart will pick up a few beats more per minute. She'll feel an instant surge of attraction toward you. She'll want to be physically closer to you. As any woman who has experienced a really nice cologne on a man, she'll tell you, it's a powerful aphrodisiac and we like it!
Trust us, when you do it right, it works REALLY REALLY WELL. You may think you're too butch to be bothered, but in the end, if you're making us all hot and bothered, don't you think you could climb down from that high horse and make the time? I do.
Thank you.
J. Cullinane
P.S. Perfumes of America is a website that can sell you expensive brands for cheap cheap! So, if you balk at the department store price, find what you like then go online.
P.P.S. Do not buy Drakkar Noir. No one with any remote sense of non-dorkness has worn that since 1990. And ladies, don't buy Eternity, please! There's a reason every time I get a whiff of it I'm transported back to my high school days.
9 comments:
Very nice, informative post. I loved it. And I gasped at the PPS, regarding Drakkar, until I realized you are totally right. However, I must point out, that I will always love the smell of that cologne. Always. And I don't care if that makes me a dork.
Dork! *grin*
No, I remember loving it very much myself (and so many men wore it!). But I just see it as kind of a cologne of its time like Eternity, Colors, and *squirm* *gag* Primo were. There are SO many out there; which is exciting and overwhelming, that's why I offered my 'grab a few samples when you can and walk away' suggestion.
I remember the days when if I caught a wiff of Drakkar Noir as I passed a guy, I'd turn right around and follow him....just about anywhere.
Case in point! The right cologne is simply irresistible!
As a man of the world, I'd like to point out that I can't think of any perfume or cologne that hasn't made me, at best, slightly annoyed by its odor. If that makes me less irresistible to women, I guess I'll just have to get by on my natural charms.
Hmm, unless there's a cologne that smells like pipe tobacco. That gets me hot.
I saw a study that the smell of cinnamon rolls was #1 in making men hot. Nuff said.
I find many perfumes either "eh" or "ick" in smell. Like I said, I think it's about finding the right one, if you're interested enough. But then, pipe tobacco seems to have gotten you by so far. You are procreating!
As long as Andy doesn't smell like sheep, I'm pretty happy.
Well, I don't actually smoke a pipe. But I still adore the smell.
I don't wear the stuff. I do, however, have a heightened sensitivity to White Musk. Boing! :D
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