Before Beau left (he departed six weeks before I did), I made sure we’d go out to our favorite restaurants like El Tapatio *wistful sigh* and I’d give him these friendly little “This is what you can expect, the good, the bad, and the ugly” lectures. And we made a few deals together. One of those was that we’d give the first location, which we knew was going to be somewhat out in the boonies, a six month trial, and if it didn’t work out, we’d try one more place (particularly one of my “big” city choices - Dunedin or Christchurch). Now, the end of the school year and the six month mark will all come together in late December. It’s pretty obvious that our little, remote Maori town is not going to work out for us. I am basically a prisoner in my own home with zero employment possibilities, and Beau is unbearably miserable at his teaching job. This is so hard to watch. We’ve all been there – a job that we absolutely abhor going to every day, the job that when you wake up in the morning your whole body just deflates in dread, that job you can’t WAIT to quit. And what really kills me about this, is that Beau LOVES teaching. I always tell him it’s his calling, though he dismisses this romantic notion.
When Beau first came back into my life, we had a long phone conversation, a good bulk of it was about teaching. I had been back in the U.S. for about a year and a half by that time and was just starting to miss teaching again. Hearing him talk about it just completely brought up all these feelings in me. He sounded exactly like I sounded that last year – confident, happy, excited, and completely in love with teaching and the kids he taught.
Now here in NZ, Beau is losing his confidence as a teacher, and it’s completely demoralizing him. He’s in a school where kids walk in and out of class (if they even show up at all), frequently shout out “Fuck you!” to teachers while giving them the one-finger salute, and an administration whose staff support is communicated as “Deal with the students yourselves. Don’t send them to us.”
He struggles to get students to understand simple scientific concepts and finds himself constantly having to go further and further back in the basic teachings of the subject just to give the students the foundation they don’t possess. Just the other day he came home, both astonished and saddened, that he couldn’t do a simple Science lab, because it involved long division to get percentages – something that many of the students simply couldn’t do. A fun lab (which included lots of chewing of Hubba Bubba!), suddenly ground to a halt over what shouldn't have even been a speed bump.
The irony of all this is that the school has just informed him that they are offering him a one-year, “fixed-term” contract for the upcoming school year (which begins in early 2007). Sure, despite all the crap he's dealt with, it's still an option, and we discussed it, but not very long. In fact, every time since then that Beau has brought it up as an option, I stop him immediately. Normally, I am a BIG discusser of options. I like to lay them all out on the table like a tarot card spread and go through each one thoroughly, to look at the big picture, but consider every detail. But when it comes to sticking around at this school, I just refuse to consider it. If you could see someone you love slowly falling apart, would you just keep watching or would you say, "No more!"?
It’s weird, for so many years I lived alone and supported myself. This led to a deliciously-selfish existence that I deeply enjoyed. I hate hearing how hard marriage is, 'cause besides the fact that it makes one think marriage sucks shit, it kind of sets up expectations in a negative way. I mean, most of the time, marriage is fantastic! The real point I think, is that when marriage is hard, it's fucking hard. When you're by yourself and you have a hard time, it's just you that you have to deal with. And for me personally, it's not so much compromise, which I think I'm pretty good at, but having to deal with another person's need or desire that at times can be so completely opposed to mine. I don't think that's exactly compromise. Sometimes it IS compromise, sometimes, it's just letting go (especially if you're one of these people who have to prove you're right). but in a way that feels not like losing something or giving in, but loving someone. Loving someone more than you love a thing, an experience, or a place.
So, finally, I "let go" and agreed to return to the United States. Sure, I could have kept push push pushing to stay in New Zealand and move to Auckland or Christchurch. Who knows? Perhaps after being in a new school with an established structure and ambitious academic goals, Beau would have found himself in his profession again. Then I would be RIGHT! I could tell him, "See, I told you it would all be fine if you just stuck it out!" But as Dr. Phil says, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"
I'd rather be happy.
Besides, returning to the United States isn't the dud donkey prize behind door #3. I like America and I like living in it (well, some of it). And returning to the U.S. after living abroad has that same feeling to me when you return from a nice, long vacation. You may have had a great time, but a part of you is just relieved to be back "home" and sleep in your own bed. That's how I feel. I like New Zealand, a lot, but it can't even hold a candle to how I feel with Beau in my life.
Beau and Bear walking on the beach near an old whaling building.
3 comments:
This is a great, great post. I can hardly find the words to say much more.
Where to in the US? Let me suggest San Francisco.
Good luck.
I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out - we have some of the same issues here that we are trying to work out, so I know how it is.
And let me suggest Ann Arbor as a fun place in the US to live! And, in fact, if you need a house...;)
I wish you the best in wherever your road leads. Happiness is elusive, at least to me, so if you can find it, grab it and hang on!
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