Thrilled to be With Child, Hating Pregnancy

My life has taken a turn for the better..and the worse. The good news is that I'm pregnant again...about 15 weeks as I write this.

But like my last pregnancy, which ended sadly, this one also sucks. But it's finally beginning to ease up...a little bit. Basically, like before, I pretty much knew I was pregnant as soon as that sperm wiggled into the egg. I won't go into even MORE gruesome details, but basically something happens to me physically that's hard to ignore and bordering on painful, which is the clue that lets me know.

Beau and I have been back together for about 9 months now, continuing our fruitful yet expensive therapy, and pretty much content. We thought it was time to start thinking about having a baby again. We went and saw my GP (general practitioner, what NZers call their primary care physician), and we had that "What you should start doing to get pregnant" talk. We talked to the therapist, I began the vitamins, etc. Another year has passed, and I'm 37 now (Beau quite a bit older), so our ages are always a bit of a concern.

"This could take awhile, we better get started."

Then I got pregnant that month.

Good job, Fertile Myrtle.

So since then, I've basically been unemployed, translation, a total bum at home. And every day has been hard, feeling like I've had rampant stomach flu, but without the whole puking thing. Feeling like I'm...just...about...to puke. My aversion to food, basically all food, was rampant, and I shed 15lbs in a way I would have been totally incapable of before. I had that typical pregnancy sense of smell that was overwhelming, to the point where I couldn't bear to make any bath products, except to make myself small bottles of unscented (Ha! There's still a scent!) shampoo and shower gel so I could shower. The ironic thing about this, is that the whole philosophy behind my soap, shampoo, conditioner and shower gel-making over the past year has been to make the smell VERY strong, like Bath & Body Works strong, since that's what *I* really like. Now, I cannot even stand my own product.

So yeah, waah waah waah. But when this does go on day after day, and you're not really working much, you have a lot of time to focus on your own misery. And it does get rather depressing. You just wonder when it will END. I was focused on the end of my first trimester like a dying person staring into the light.

The first trimester came and went...still felt like shit. Fuck.

But I'm not all depression and self-loathing. I realized that most women have to go to work during this time...even if they do feel dizzy, tired, nauseous, or sick. They still have to put in their eight hours and just manage. I get to stay at home and sleep in and watch Judge Judy and eat when I want to.

And I finally discovered that was one of the main keys. Eat....frequently. Like, every 2 hours. Even though I would rather beat myself in the head than eat a cracker, I've learned: EAT THE FUCKING CRACKER. If I make myself eat about once every 2-3 hours, it helps the sick feeling.

The other hyper-focus in my life was that first ultrasound. The one that tells you your baby is alive and whether or not it has a chromosomal problem, like Down Syndrome. My age gave me a 1 in 210 chance of the baby having DS. That's crazy! If that was lottery odds, I'd be buying up tickets! Also, it was the DAY of this ultrasound on my last pregnancy that I had the miscarriage. I thought, "If I can just make it to this day, it'll be okay."

Beau and I drove into the nearest town and met with the midwife first. She laid me out and took out a fetal monitor and suddenly there it was: THP-THP-THP-THP-THP-THP-THP-THP. The heartbeat! I couldn't believe it! I had never heard something like that before. Of course, I began to cry. I'm pretty sure Beau teared up, but he'll be sure to tell you it was dust in his eye.

Then we drove to the next town where the radiology clinic was for the ultrasound. I was liad out and BAM, there was the baby! Wow! But it was the end of the day, and the ultrasound lady was not in the best of moods.

"The baby's in the wrong place. Get up and walk around so the baby will move."

Erm, okay. I got up, walked around, went to the bathroom. Jumped up and down, jiggled. Came back.

She gritted her teeth. "Bad baby."

Hey!

"Go walk out of the lobby and came back."

I walked out, with the top bottom of my jeans undone and that smeary shit all over my stomach and clothes. People in the waiting room gawked. I twirled, I walked, I giggled, I bounced. Came back.

She was not amused. She was downright grouchy.

"Go walk around the block. I'm going to see another patient."

Geez, okay.

Beau and I went for a walk around the block. I did some more bouncing and twirling, even contemplated a cartwheel, then decided against it. We came back, and this time I was nervous. This ultrasound lady only comes to this clinic once every couple weeks and Beau had taken the day off. I laid down and got smeared again.

"Ahhhh good baby!"

Hooray!

Apparently, now it was in the perfect place, on it's back, looking up. She took all her little measurements, cooing happily. Then the coolest thing happened.

While we were staring at the screen, the baby on its back, it suddenly turned its head and stared right at us. Then, one hand came up over its head, fingers separated...and it waved.

Waved.

Pretty neat.

The lady captured the image. At this point, the baby looks pretty skeletal and gross, and since I was never one for looking at anyone else's ultrasound pics, I'll spare you mine.

Instead, I'll just post pics of cute little babies....

P.S. I had to wait nearly 3 weeks for the results. When I finally called up the midwife, still worried about that 1 in 210 chance, she said, "Oh, the place that evaluates it said they never got the ultrasound. I just re-faxed it to them."

"Okay, how long do I wait now?"

"About another week."

ARGH!! But all's well that ends well. When the results from the ultrasound and blood tests finally came in a few days ago, my 1 in 210 chance of Down Syndrome had dropped all the way to 1 in 1800. A huge, huge relief. As of today, a healthy baby. :)