uggested a vasectomy to Beau who blanched and then declined.Then when JiffyPop was about 4 or 5 months old, I started getting these urges. It didn't feel very real, just felt kind of primal. "GET KNOCKED UP" my body said. "HUH?" replied my brain. And then my brain got chatty:
You don't want another kid. One's enough trouble. Most of the time it's neat, but sometimes it's pretty boring. You'll be even more broke than ever before, and will probably never ever have your own home. You'll never be able to visit the United States again. The next 1-2 years of your life will be consumed with infant care again. Your "career" (ha ha, what I mean is, simply having a decent job) will totally go out the window. Having JiffyPop alone when you have to go to town can be pretty tough at times, now imagine TWO of them! You pretty much hated pregnancy except for the last two months (months 6 and 7). You're at that age where the next baby could have some serious medical problem. You want to give your attention and love to one baby and not feel stretched/tired/resentful as an overworked Mom. This baby is so sweet and good, there is NO way we're going to get lucky twice; the next one will be a monster.
Yeah.
Despite this, my body keeps saying, "One more! Really, just one more. I won't ask again. Three is out of the question." (No shit).
Is this just pure hormonal, evolutionary drive?
So, I think on the two kids thing for awhile. It's funny, we both thought we were having a boy with JiffyPop and I was really happy about that. But now, I think I'd actually like another girl. I really like the thought of two girls. Not sure why.
Anyway, even when I'm content in the "one child only" corner, something throws me for a loop.
"If something happens to us, JiffyPop will be totally alone," said Beau.
Oh, god.
The whole "every kid should have a sibling so they're not lonely" argument totally doesn't wash with me though. I know plenty of people (including myself!!!) who had a frequently abusive, angry sibling and was completely miserable and would have gladly spent my childhood alone.
Then one of my best friends said, "Gosh, two is actually easier in a way. They play with each other so you don't have to be RIGHT THERE all the time like you do with one."
Oh.
Again, assuming they're siblings who get along.
I actually have one friend with four kids who said it got progressively easier with each kid. Okay yeah, WHATEVER.
But I do have some guilt that Beau and I may spend the rest of our lives here in New Zealand and JiffyPop will be deprived of her extended family, and when we die, she really will be all alone. Now granted, I'm not all that broken up that she's missing out on my family, since I am not all that entirely sure that most of them are good people to be around anyway, but there is still a little guilt, that she probably won't have what I wish she could have: a nice big warm family. Sometimes I think that's just a fantasy - something created in Hollywood for Christmas films and Lifetime movies. I mean, are there really large and supportive families with heaps of cousins and aunts and uncles and lots of love and laughter? (You've all seen Dan in Real Life, right? Great movie, but REALLY?).
I think that after I left home at 18, my tolerance level for all family quirks/annoyances/scandals" plummeted. I just didn't want to deal anymore with the endless drama. Not that I didn't create my own drama, particularly in my 20's, but STILL, I'm pushing 40 now and I feel a lot more settled and a lot less indulgent in family crap. Well, even friend crap too. (Though I'm sure Beau and I may disagree at the level of actual drama at any point in time in our marriage).
ANYWAY, once again, I'm thinking about the second kid. Like, REALLY thinking about it. Is it really just hormones? Argh....more soul searching required.
Postscript: While looking for some images for this blog, I found an article that states that the "happiest families" are those with two girls, due to things like getting along with each other, helping out around the house, being obedient, etc. etc. The unhappiest are four girls. Hunh. Anyway, they did not have any information on only child families. Poop.
13 comments:
Wow. I have so much to say... I hope you all make the decision that is best for all three of you.:)
The truth is, JiffyPop is probably it. And I'm really okay with that. I guess I was just wondering if some of you others had been feeling the same (and if it felt more primal than practical) to you.
And if you have a lot...let's have it :)
Well, for us it was 99% an easy decision because of Cooper's special needs. We had always wanted two kids but then we had the miscarriage, and the pregnancy that our OBGYN says he uses as an example of how many things can go wrong in one pregnancy. And then the emergency C-Section and then the inability to breastfeed and the the postpartum depression and the the pregnancy induced hypothyroidism...And I thought all of that would kill me and it wasn't until we discovered that Cooper was going to be a 'special' kid that I realized that all of that was NOTHING compared to not knowing when you would ever get a full night's sleep ever again. To not knowing if Cooper is going to be able to go to a regular school, or get a regular job, or get married or have a kid of his own. I didn't realize either that there would be weeks on end when I would want to cry all day long every day because Cooper whines and cries and hangs off of me and says 'owie', 'hurt', 'sad' and I want to scream and hit him and hit myself and I can't do any of that. And I didn't realize that I was the same kid and that my mom says she didn't 'like' me until I was in my 30s because I was so difficult.
Sp for us, there was no primal desire to have another because our primal desires said 'FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T DO THIS AGAIN'. But, if you are feeling that primal urge...it may be thatyou are meant to have one more. I think your body and mind tell you what you can handle. Mine was very clear :)
I truly feel for you. I can't even IMAGINE what it must be like with Cooper, who I have no doubt you completely adore. I had a few nights where I came out crying from the bedroom where I put JiffyPop down and thought it was all just too much to take. And JiffyPop is an EASY baby! It's at those tough moments (she's been unusually difficult to get to sleep the past month) that Beau reminds me, "NOW do you want a second child?" What saddens me a little is that I know he would really like one, but finances and my personal mental stability/happiness are factors that dissuade him in the end. He's wonderful with her, but like most Moms, I'd like him to help out a bit more, and if we had two and he didn't REALLY step up his game, it would be really hard on me.
I don't always trust my heart, though that's not like the romantic in me. All the things I seem to "desperately want" end up burning me a bit in the end. For example, I HAD TO have a large dog, and she's sweet, but been nothing but trouble. I get that way about a lot of stuff that I have a deep deep yearning for, and later Beau goes, "You know i warned you..." and I have to admit he did and I didn't listen.
To me, the feeling feels so physical/hormonal, that I distrust it a bit and was wondering if it was just something most women go through. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it's so strong I think, "OKay, give this some real thought." Maybe if we were super rich and could hire help (or had family members nearby to help chip in), it would seem more palpable. Right now it just seems like a sweet but not very smart idea.
Hi Jen! Thanks for letting me know your blog still existed :) This is a noodle-scratcher for sure. When I found out I was pregnant with Zane, I was horrified and depressed (which I also chalked up to hormones). I was sad, sad, sad for Drew, who would no longer be the sole shining light our world revolved around. I worried about our financial status. I worried about being pregnant again which, by all accounts, was a walk in the park compared to Jenn but was still nothing I looked forward to. All those things.
You've said some things I can totally relate to. I have boys that adore each other (uhh.. for the most part). I'm happy to have two; as a kid I wanted three hahahahha. Two is plenty. Anyway I'm trying to say that the points for a second are all valid. I can't imagine life without Zane, just like you wouldn't be able to imagine life without your second.
On the flipside (haha you knew it was coming) all your points against are equally valid. Pregnancy a second time was definitely easier but not the breeze some ladies experience. All the usual 'new baby' things were back with a vengeance and like you, were my least favourite parts of being a mom. You have extra things to think about as well.
Lots of times I feel too stretched to be a good mom to both of my guys, but they're healthy and happy and are pretty terrific so I guess we've managed something right.
Too funny about your comment on no way a second would be as good as the first... exactly our thoughts on Drew. Zane is definitely a troublemaker and wasn't/isn't as easy. We haven't given him away yet :)
I haven't weighed in on one side or the other because there's no right or wrong, only the choice you make. Your daughter will be loved and cared for all the same. A second kid prolongs this early-childhood stage for everyone, which is hard but gets easier (my boys are 7 and 4 now.. so it uh, takes a while). Is she missing out on a beloved sister, or is she escaping a horrible one? My intuition says you would rather keep your family small, but will always wonder about the second. Is that something you can live with? :)
Andrea, thank you! I loved reading your comment(s).
You nailed it. I WOULD be happy with one but would always wonder. Sometimes I think my reasons for NOT having a second are just selfish -- "it's too hard" (insert whine) and I don't want my life to be so hard/tiring, etc. Honestly, I am NOT a person who deals well with fatigue and can see a difference in how I take care of JiffyPop when I'm tired as opposed to when I get a decent sleep. Quality of life for me, for her, and for my marriage is important to me, but again, feels selfish. Women have been raising LITTERS of kids for thousands of years. But then, I'm not trying repopulate the species or anything.
And again, anyone feel that URGE to get pregnant? I realize that Jenn with her difficult pregnancy/post-pregnancy and Andrea getting pregnant a second time, you could say no, but the "urge" started for me when JiffyPop was about 5 months old. I was still breastfeeding and everything still felt so new, so wanting to get pregnant again felt crazy.
I have a bit of a different perspective on things.
I want another baby, but can't seem to get pregnant again. I still have all the doubts, but I think I have these doubts as a way to make me feel less sad about the fact that I don't think I can have another baby.
And, I've wanted to be pregnant again so bad that it hurts. I don't know when it started again, or if as soon as Catie was out, I was ready again. I see babies/toddlers and I crave it so bad my uterus pains me. I even want the closeness of breastfeeding again, even though it wasn't exactly a smooth ride for me.
I had a difficult last month or so of pregnancy, difficult delivery (dr told Robert that we almost didn't make it, I was out b/c of an emergancy c-section) and she was in the NICU for 16 days. But, I still want to do it again. Those first few months, I loved being pregnant.
Catie, since she almost 4, has been asking for a baby brother or sister. Not just once or twice, but about once a week. And I want one for her so much.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm in Norway, away from my family, and that we aren't that close to Robert's family. Maybe it's because even though my younger sister was a brat when we were kids, I don't know what I'd do without her now, and I love the fact that I have someone who is always there.
Yes, I have most of the doubts that you have. My age, my health, my sanity, money, space, does he want another kid. When I get into my lowest of lows, I have very little patience and I am not the mother to Catie that I always dreamed I would be. How would I deal with 2? I'm not a good mother now, I would be crazy to make two kids deal with me. yada yada. When Catie was younger, I had the 'she's gold, what if the second one isn't?' thoughts, but now, it's more like 'OMG, what if she has the same 8 going on 16 attitude Catie has, how can I handle two?' But, then, those lows go away and I want another just like her. ;)
I joked, in frustration, with Catie a couple nights ago, when she again asked for a baby sister. I told her that I'd love to have another baby that is as wonderful, caring, smart, talented, etc. as she is, but if she has the same attitude, I'm not sure I could handle it.
Okay, I think there was more I was going to write, but now I can't think of it. Catie needs the computer for homework and I wanted to get this down before I forgot to reply. But, she's buzzing in my ear now. Heh.
You will utlimately know what is best for you all. *hugs* and good luck with whatever you decide. You can do anything! :)
Kim, you have my deepest sympathies. I have no idea what it must be like to want a child so much and not be able to conceive. My step-brother and his wife have been through a lot of IV treatments and though they were blessed with a little girl a few years ago, just a couple months ago her 5-month pregnancy ended. Such sorrow.
I really hope it happens for you. WHat are options for adoption like in Norway? Or are you not interested in that path?
Well, Jen, I think that the four of us could talk about this in person for about 24 hours straight. And, Kim, I didn't know you guys were having/had had trouble...I'm sorry for that, it must be so painful.
I could write essays about this but I shan't! But I will say two more things 1) nothing anybody will say will really alter your decision in any way but do listen to your knowledge of your own body and listen to your husband who knows you very well and, not to put to fine a point on it, has a couple of years of life experience on you ;) And 2) I want to relate a story...it may be a thoughtless story but I think I will say it anyway. I have a good friend here in TN who had a little boy and she adored him and she had some urges for another but felt, in her mind not heart, that one was enough. But then the boy turned two and even though she was approaching forty and wasn't 100% sure that they wanted another she and her husband decided that they would have one more so that their beloved boy would have a 'buddy for life'. They got pregnant, they had a boy and the boy developed autism. He is now 6 and is completely non-verbal, just became potty trained and is an unbelievably difficult child. And total sweetie pie who they love (and who is very loveable) but difficult. The one thing she said that she got from that experience was that she wished that she would have listened to her heart and mind and HAD NOT HAD A CHILD FOR THE SAKE OF THE OTHER CHILD...especially since now child number one is probably going to be the caregiver for child number two forever. Like I said, clearly they love their boy anyway but she does regret their decision to have a second child...not because he has special needs...but because they chose to have him for the wrong reasons.
Whew, that was long. Clearly, I am not in any way trying to say 'don't have another kid because s/he might be tough or have special needs'!! My point here is only that you make sure you and hubby make the decision for the right reasons.
And, btw, I did get that painful urge in my heart/uterus now and again but it was just easier for me to ignore when I was lying on the floor of Cooper's room ;)
Sorry it took me so long to answer. No, I never had that urge to have another kid when Anya was a baby. But I was also doing the postpartum depression thing. I personally think babies are a pain in the bootie. Little kids, though, are pretty darn awesome, though.
Thanks for coming in, Cabol. Yeah, I think it's really hormonal, and with each day, I grow more sure that I'm happy with what I got.
Kim, again, so sorry. Are there resources available to you for fertility treatment?
Hello,
I wanted a sibling for Sabrina back in the day when she was a lot younger. Things were not exactly great with the hubby at the time and finances could have been a lot better so we got her a cat and then a dog brothers, lol. That was a good compromise. She would dress them up in her baby clothes, oh good memories. Well, years later I kind of felt jipped of the opportunity to have a second child because I chose to stay in an unhappy marriage. So at the age of 35, I got a divorce and thought if it was meant to be, I could have another 5 years to get er done. Now at 38, I defiantly do NOT want to have another child since Sabrina will be 18 in two years and I really have to desire to start over again. I will wait for Alishia to have kids or wait to be a Grandma. Good luck trying to figure it out. You do make EXTREAMLY cute babies, but be careful what you wish for... Remember how well Alishia and I got along.
Hello my old friend!
Yeah, I totally understand. In just a year or two you'll be free free free! (Well, we hope, right?). Will Sabrina go on to college or does she have other plans? I think it's really awesome how you've taken charge of your life, particularly your social life, in such a big way, post-marriage. I'm not that brave.
Yeah, I have to admit I'm relieved to hear most of you admit how much you're NOT a fan of the whole baby stage. I know we all adore our kids, but the infant stuff does get old. I'm kind of just waiting for her to walk and talk so I can talk to her like a person, though everyone says once she's walking, I'll hate it.
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