Western Men and Thai Women

The whole Western man – Thai woman thing has been a touchy subject for me as a Western woman living in Bangkok. I’ve never found it so incredibly difficult to be single in my life. Though I am no great beauty, nor ever had much money, I’ve never had a lot of trouble finding a good relationship. But here in Bangkok, it has been nearly impossible.

To avoid being bitter and resentful, I have tried to understand these partnerships which are abundant all over Bangkok (and which make up most of my teaching staff). I read the depressing book, “Hello my Big, Big Honey” which is a mess of emotional letters written by Western men to Thai bar girls they have “fallen in love” with. It’s the kind of book that makes you want to turn lesbian, or else consider all men to be adulterous and gullible as hell. “I love you honey, and yes, I got your bank account number and will be depositing money into your account soon….”

Not too long ago I was coming home after a night class. I stopped by in a sandwich shop to have dinner. I was enjoying myself and the atmosphere (and reading a fantastic Iris Murdoch book). Not too far from me was a typical sight – a Western man with a Thai “bar girl.”

Wait, first let me give a very general definition of “bar girl” as it is known here in Bangkok. A bar girl is a Thai woman, usually from the poor areas of the North or Northeast (Isaan) of Thailand. Predominantly though, they are Isaan woman. They can be very young, ranging from about 13-40 years old. They’re often petite with dark skin. They’re easy to recognize after awhile just by how they look and move (and often by the display of a tattoo, often on the back of a shoulder). If you are to believe the studies done on them, many of them are already married to scummy Thai men and have a baby at home, and nearly all of them are partially to totally supporting their families back home.

Most of them work in bars, where they befriend tourists (mostly Western men, but often Japanese and Korean men too), get the men to buy them drinks, and sometimes, to buy the girl herself for a night of sex. Sometimes, the man can buy the girl for days on end. By “buying” her, he first pays the bar a fee for the revenue they lose by her removal from the bar. Then the man “tips” the girl for her services. Usually this can range from about $50-$150 (USD) a night. Considering that these girls are paid about $80 a month, you can see the incentive of having a Western man take you from the bar for one night. Now sure, as I mentioned, this “definition” is a stereotype in a way, and a loose description, but trust me, my broad sweeping generalization covers most of them.

Okay, anyway, back to the sandwich shop. So the bar girl is sitting with a French man, and he is speaking English to her (most bar girls have a fairly good grasp of English, which makes sense since the better their English, the better business they can do). The guy is going on and on in this loud voice, and though I can’t remember it all anymore, I can remember the gist. Basically, he was telling his personal philosophy on anything and everything, and it was lengthy, verbose, pretentious, egotistical, and fantastically boring. But of course, the girl was listening to him as if in rapture, with lots of nods and “uh-huhs.” Perhaps, that is the secret. To listen to a man go on and on and pretend that it’s the most amazing schpiel ever. Don’t get me wrong, I believe very much in being a good listener and caring about the people who are opening up to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to take, and listen to without comment, all the bullshit that comes your way.

On that same night, I took the “sky train” (subway in the sky) home. As I was sitting in my seat, fantasizing about being home already, there was another Western man – Thai bar girl couple sitting across from me. I can no longer remember details from the conversation, but I do remember the woman distinctly reminding me of a valley girl in her speech and tone, and the guy nodding profusely adding a mess of his own, “uh-huhs!” She was talking about how much she hated Indians (there are a community here and Thais in general do not seem to be fond of them for some reason). She had lots of reasons, and lots of “you know!”s. The guy was eating it all up.

Maybe the real secret is that when these men go to Bangkok, they step into another world. A world where anything and everything is possible. And let’s be realistic, if I was in France, I’d be interested in dating a Frenchman myself. I wouldn’t rule out an American guy at ANY chance, especially since communication is so important to me. But I know it would be interesting to date someone from the place you’re in. But really, in the end…it comes down to communication. I myself had a relationship with a Thai man, and similar to a bar girl (though not in the same profession!) he needed a pretty good grasp of English for his job. And though I cannot solely blame his lack of English/communication skills for my breaking up with him, it really WAS the major reason.

Which is why I always end up at the beginning. When it comes to ex-pats in Thailand, (lesser so for the tourists who come for a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am), HOW do they maintain these relationships? I personally know about 10 couples of Western men and Thai women living here, and the majority of the women were former bar girls. How do they do it? And if you tell me “We connect on another level” I’m going to tell you you’re full of shit. That only works for the tourist boys looking for justifications for splashing into prostitution here. Does it simply come down to men and women demanding different things in a relationship? Or men not demanding at all?

My main demand is that I can communicate to a man. I don’t mean the whiny “Let’s talk about our feeeeeeelings” but about all sorts of stuff. I want to be able to talk to him about work, about the book I’m reading, about Israel and (the lack of) Palestine, etc. I don’t want to just talk about the weather and sex (though those can be pleasant topics too!). If men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, is Mars a very quiet place and Venus full of endless chatter? Shit, maybe I should move to Saturn.