-------------------------
Mother's Day has always been awkward for me. My mother had me my first
few years of life in the chilly Midwest before she shipped me out to my grandparents to live the rest of my childhood in the sunny Southwest. So, essentially, I have two mothers - the one who gave birth to me and the one who raised me. It sure makes hunting for Mother's Day cards a chore, since all the ones addressed to "mother" talk about all the "memories" during childhood, and all the "grandmother" ones talk about her milk and cookies and sweet ways (my grandparents were pretty strict). Trying to come up with a card that is both appropriate, but not emotionally neutral is tough. Not to mention that my mother and grandmother have always been completely at odds with each other and use me jealously as a pawn, so like two bratty children, I always have to make sure they get the SAME gifts (cost-wise) so no one seems favored. Lord.This year I got my grandmother a silver cross which she adored (and she' s one tough broad to please), and my mother got a gift certificate for Home Depot. Right there you can see the differences in their personalities.
I am currently the only female in my entire family who has not even conceived. The various females of my bloodline seem quite offended by this on some level since every single one of them has given birth somewhere between their 19th and 21st year, NOT a goal I had ever intended to reach. My mother has been the only one who has refrained from the constant, blunt-ass, "When are you going to get pregnant? You're getting really old," demands I receive via telephone every single time I talk to one of these women. I thought she would lay off since a) she's one of those women who probably should never have had children since she kinda hates them, and b) she was heat-of-a-thousand-suns pissed off when my sister accidentally got pregnant at 21. Well, the wait is over! During our Mother's Day call I got the question. I told her not to ask me again. She claimed she was only asking because she was at the baby shower for another impregnated family member (via marriage) and how at that party my step-brother's wife was harangued for her lack of conception (they've only been married like a year and a half), and so, well....well, there was no real excuse, she was just searching for one.
This is nothing new, it's like being unmarried in your 30's. People start asking you why you haven't done it or te
lling you with that condescending sneer that you better "hurry up." I've been asked about both since my 20's and it never bothered me too much, but now, in my 34th year, it's beginning to really bug the shit out of me.WHAT IS THE DEAL?! Why is there still this pressure, this push for every woman to have children? I thought society was kinda getting past this. And why is it mostly from other women, particularly those who have already had children? When you're single, there's always the "recently-married" who suddenly feel like they have to try and get YOU married off now (REALLY annoying). This is a similar situation. I've often said that I have a few friends who have made the conscious choice to NOT have children and I applaud them! Anyone who thinks they should NOT be a parent and then does the responsible thing and not become one, has my full admiration and respect. That's a mature decision.
I never intended to get married again, but then came Beau, so that changed my life. And though I've always intended to have children someday, it's never been a good time and I have taken great pains to ensure that I didn't make a "mistake." There's nothing wrong with "mistakes," since I myself was one. My own mother was attending college -- the first person in our entire family to do so, so there was lots of expectation -- and then oops, sometime after some college party, I made my appearance. I've never felt bad about this at all, and never really understood why people get so upset when they discover they were "mistakes." Hell, I bet at least 50% of all babies in the world were not planned. Not to mention, it's not like I had anything to do with it.
So, let this be known to all out there -- DO NOT ask me anymore if I am going to have children! It's a private matter, and maybe I will, maybe I won't, I really don't know. And if I don't have a baby, THAT'S OKAY. Besides, I'm sure I'll blog about it if it should happen, so it won't be a big secret. It'd be a lot more interesting than some of the sad sap crap I've been posting lately. Beau and I don't even have a house, nor truly stable jobs (I'm still temping during the day, Shop-n-Smiling at night, and Beau is substitute teaching during the day and Wally Worlding at night). And Beau is several years older than me, which is also a concern (for him). He doesn't want to wait forever, which I totally get, but like me, isn't eager to bring a child into the world when we're still a bit unstable.
When I told this to my grandmother over the weekend, she said, "But J., NO ONE is really ever ready for a baby!" Well, okay, sure, but wouldn't you want to at least not feel like you were having a baby during a time of chaos?
And with that lovely thought, a happy Mother's Day to you all, and to all a good night.
15 comments:
I LOVE that comic. Replace "dog crap" with "change diapers" and you've pretty much experienced my day yesterday. :P
Don't let anyone give you crap about having kids. It's none of their damn business.
In all the time I've known you, dearest Jen, can you ever remember me asking when you were going to get around to having kids?
Hmm. I wonder why that could be. :)
Hey! I actually think I'd be a good mother! All those years of babysitting and later teaching have helped. Nothing like the real thing though, baby!
But things change, eh? In all the years I've known you...what was it you used to say...? *cough*
I know plenty of people with this problem, and sometimes I'm even guilty of doing the asking....but I won't be asking you, promise! I try to not do that kind of prying anymore, anyway. None of my business, and if someone wanted to share info with me, they would.
Hope all is well, otherwise, with you and Beau. Talk to you soon!
What did Steve used to say? I used to say I'd never have kids!
Hahah thanks Beachgal. And yes, Jillian, he DID swear he'd never have kids, and I believed him! Of course, we all know everyone who says "never" always ends up married/having kids. Which is why I made a point never to say never about marriage, just that I wasn't interested (which I wasn't).
But oh well, it was after all a marriage of convenience! So, does that really count? What was it that Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis said?
- Your first marriage should be for love.
- Your second marriage should be for convenience.
- Your third marriage should be for companionship.
Or, as Mary Todd Lincoln used to tell Abe, "My next husband is going to be rich."
I honestly don't remember vowing never to have kids. I certainly didn't visualize it happening, but a foot-stomping guarantee doesn't sound like my style. I've always tried to be open to whatever life sends my way, although perhaps not as much so as Jen.
Well, you may not have signed any contracts in blood, but the Steve I know tends not to be too wishy washy on stuff. He knows how he likes his pizza!
But our lives are NEVER what we think they're going to be, are they? That's half the fun, and half the annoyance.
Well, you know how I am about this: firmly no-kids. I don't feel bad about this decision, as I recognize that my own personal issues would make me a rather poor mother and, frankly, I just have never had the desire. Of course, J. and I are just adult children ourselves in many ways, what with his comic book store and my running off to Harry Potter conventions. I am definitely living some of my childhood now after having been forced to grow up before I was ready.
We are totally open and out with our families -- heck, my Dad drove J. to the hospital when J. was having his vascetomy. No one gives us any grief, but, then again, both of our brother have made them grandparents.
What I find more interesting is how women my age and a little bit older are somewhat distrustful of me because I don't have kids. Most of the women in my office are mothers, as are the vast majority of female educators whom I meet when I travel to conferences. Some people just assume I'm much younger than I am (which is fine by me), and others assume I'm a newlywed rather than an old married lady who's been tied down for almost eight years. Most women close to me in age want to relate to me first via children, and I can't do that. As I get older, they get more suspicious of me! It's weird, as is my level of discomfort about it.
Do I cease being a woman because I don't want kids?! I've never thought so!
At any rate, I'll never be pestering you about you and Beau having kids. :)
I've participated in discussions about this kind of thing on a mothering blog I read (mothertalkers.com). I have yet to see any of them criticize a woman for not wanting kids. In fact, the response usually is something alone the lines of a person "should be commended for being honest" with oneself about not wanting kids. Frankly, if you have a kid and you weren't sure about it, it won't make those sleepless nights in the beginning any easier, nor will it make your kid's life any easier either!
So if you don't want kids, you won't get any criticism from me. I can totally understand, and am a *tiny* bit jealous sometimes. :P
If you'll excuse me, I have to go smooch Audrey to make up for that last sentence. :-)
I think that what Ophelia said is the key for many women:
"Most women close to me in age want to relate to me first via children..."
People try to relate to what most often happens, the most likely scenario. And despite all the choices and freedoms that women have now, the most common course of action is still to get married and then have a baby.
That being said, I can see where you would get seriously irritated and it is still no one's business even a little bit.
Amen, ladies. I'm glad the ladies on "mothertalkers" get what we're about, but Ophelia's use of the world "suspicious" is right (I used the word "offended" which I think is in the same vein).
I always love to reference stand-up comics about social issues since they are so good at getting it out there. Dana Carvey's hour-long HBO special has a long bit about having kids, and he talks about how BEFORE he had kids his mother-in-law poo-poo'd childcare and strongly encouraged him to have kids, then AFTERWARDS he was aware of the reality and that she was full of shit. *grin*
Besides the fact that finances are an issue, I'm with Ophelia, in many ways I still feel too selfish for kids. I still like to sleep, love my freedom (and the spontaneity it allows), traveling, seeing a late movie, going out to eat, and just experiencing new things. People say, "You can still do all that when you have kids," but please, cut the shit. Sure, you CAN, but it's not nearly the same, and now it's all about kids movies and Denny's and the mini*vomit*van, etc. Mother's tell me all that selfishness goes out the window when you give birth, and I hope that's true. But I guess, like Ophelia, I feel there's still a bit more kid to be burnt up first.
Selfishness can also turn into resentment. I hope nobody will crucify me if I confess that on my bad days I am sometimes resentful of the fact that I haven't had a minute alone to myself in the past 9 months.
Selfishness may go out the window the moment you give birth, but there's still the memory of the life you had, and what you think you're missing out on. 99% of the time I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, because frankly getting to spend all my time with this wonderful little person that I'm getting to know is an incredible, wonderful, beautiful experience. Do I feel that way all the time? No, and damn it, I'd really love to be able to take a shower without worrying that she'll think I've abandoned her. But you know, we're in the middle of her separation anxiety phase right now. I hear it gets better!
Jillian is fibbing. She sometimes gets a minute to herself. The other day I managed to keep Audrey entertained for 10 whole minutes. Feel the freedom!
Steve! Your cup of sarcasm runneth over! And here, with a bevy of beautiful women to slap you around!
Post a Comment