Divine Dance Dance Intervention

As with many married couples, Beau and I have gained a bit of weight since our wedding day. Since graduating from high school, I've slid up and down the same range of 20lbs, with varying degrees of firm muscle and smooshy fat. But since I quit Shop-n-Smile - my nightly 4-hour walk complete with dozens of squats and heavy lifting - my weight has taken a massive leap skyward, and I am now the heaviest of my life, well beyond that 20lb range.

It feels gross, and uncomfortable, and though my clothes still "fit," they feel tight and bothersome. Also, my chronic stomach problems seem to become magnified when my weight goes up.

Plus, I'm pretty damn depressed, and winter is fast approaching - two prescriptions for weight gain anyway. The New Zealand thing, which I deposited a lot more hope in than even I realized, doesn't look too promising now. With Beau being in America, NZ schools see hiring him, sight/site unseen as a risk, and I totally understand - I went through the same thing when I hired teachers in Thailand. But it's maddening to know that he's such an amazing, gifted teacher, and his talents are being wasted in the wasteland that is Missoula's substitute teacher system.

A little over a week ago I had this dream. I was playing Dance Dance Revolution - the super hyper dance video game that involves a mat with arrows that you step on in time with the arrows passing by on your TV screen. It's similar to Guitar Hero, but you use your feet. Kind of feels like a Dance Club version of Twister. I can't remember much more about the dream, but it was one of those where you wake up and the dream just seems to have a powerful grip on you that lingers far beyond the usual ones. I laid there and thought of how I'd seen several news stories about how DDR was this weight loss phenomenon for fat, introverted kids who stayed home and played video games all night. There were many cases of kids losing over 100lbs each. Now they even use it in schools! I always thought that was really cool, but wasn't interested in buying a video game system. Civ IV is the only purchased computer game I've ever needed (well, except for maybe Diner Dash).

In real life, I've only tried DDR once at a friend's house, and I completely and utterly sucked at it, not to mention that I looked like a total dweeb. But for some reason, I took this dream as divine inspiration. Okay, maybe not DIVINE, but I dunno. Sure, it looks pretty crazy typed out like it is now...

Anyway, I went to Wally World where Beau was working that day and approached the Electronics people. I know that you can play DDR on pretty much any video game system, so I asked one saleswoman, "What's the cheapest way I can play DDR?" She led me around to view several massive glass cases stocked full of video games, as we had to weave in and around the hypnotized goons playing Guitar Hero III. The best she seemed to find was a $400 game system (I think maybe it was Wii or Playstation 3) along with a $80 DDR game. Ugh. No dream or weight loss system is worth that much. After she left, I wandered around some more until I found a Playstation 2 system for about $129 with the DDR game priced at about $50. Though still pricey, this seemed much more reasonable. I found Beau and brought him over, but he was less than thrilled. Money is tight and this was an extravagant purchase for us. We went back and forth for a bit, then he walked away and I walked around the store some more. Finally, I decided to get it, and use the credit card in my name. I told myself that Montana's lack of sales tax and the additional 10% off employee discount I'd get would make a big difference. These are the kinds of things you tell yourself at these moments when a part of you feels guilty for spending cash.

But why make such a reckless purchase? (Besides the fact that I've never been that great a manager of money?). Well, I just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I had to DO something. This may not make much sense to some of you, especially regarding the silliness of buying a video game system or losing weight, but it makes perfect sense to me. When you're clinically depressed, and honey, this ain't my FIRST rodeo, you feel yourself sinking, sinking, sinking until you get to the point that you just cannot see a way out of the darkness. I find it is similar to an alcohol or drug abuser, in that most people reach a point, the proverbial "rock bottom," where say, "Fuck this! I need help! I need to make changes!" and so begins the slow steps to recovery.

But the difference is that with Depression, you sink and sink, and then at some point you just sort of plateau...and there you reside. I've often said that Depression becomes a comfortable way of life for the afflicted, which is why you find people who claim to be desperate to get out of it, but who never seem to make any real moves to do so. Even someone like me who is very sympathetic to being in that state, has grown impatient and frustrated with others - namely those who beg you for help, and then turn around and refuse all offers. I had one friend in grad school who slowly alienated all others with her suicidal-but-not-really personality. I spent many nights on the phone, in her apartment, listening to her, consoling her. At some point, I started to try to help her. I talked to her about the University's fantastic counseling center, therapy and/or medication, support groups, helpful books to read, her clergyperson, ANYTHING. Despite her pleas for help, all suggestions were pa-shawed off. After more endless J-therapy sessions that exhausted me, and seemingly only rejuvenated her for a day, it slowly became clear to me that she didn't want help. She was comfortable residing on that plateau, despite what she said. She had to make her own decision to climb out.

An-y-way, to me, buying the PS2 and DDR was about taking action. It's about consciously making changes and taking steps to get out of this stupid super funk and lose weight and have more energy and sleep better and be a little bit happier.

And here I am, a few weeks later, and it's kinda working. As far as the weight goes, I lost a pound and then a week later gained a half a pound back - whoopty-doo - but I feel a lot better. I can't really articulate it, but I definitely do notice a boost in energy and I've slept through the night for the past two nights in a row - quite a feat for me. I know that when I do set out to lose weight, it's a very slow process, so I'm patient.

But the trick to kicking Depression is action. You can have the pills and the therapy, both of which I recommend, but you also have to do some of your own work. It's so easy to give in and just stay home and (over)sleep and be safe and warm and eat mac-n-cheese and watch lots and lots of Forensic Files and Law & Order *cough blush* and though I will continue to enjoy all those things, I can't be stagnant any longer.

I read something online today in regards to the writers' strike, and it said something about the blogosphere being "the unhappiest place on earth." Hahahah, that really made me laugh. It's so true; how many of us have blogs about how shitty our lives are? One thing I have truly learned in the past few months by reading the blogs of many of my friends, yes you, is that we ALL have shit to deal with. We've all got something in our life that is weighing us down - money matters, health issues, spouse troubles, family entanglements, job woes (sidenote: my job still sucks - and I might not have it much longer). Everyone has something serious they face. And I have to say that I truly admire the Mutual Admiration Society that is blogging. We're all depressed, we all love each other, and we're all virtually there for each other. *sniff*

And now for me, it's time to dance!
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For your enjoyment, I am including the youtube of a small child and one of a one-legged man who would both kick my ASS on DDR any day. The first week or two I danced on it, I was alone, but was so ridiculous I was embarrassed to be with myself. Now, I'm at least respectable at the game, but can't hold a candle to these two: