Moving, Money, Mean Office Manager

I usually try to keep my blog for events that happen in my life, but since the past few months have presented very few events, ergo, I'm BORING, I'm just writing to write now.

Today ended a week-long hiatus of the Evil Office Manager Women. At the end of the work day yesterday, several employees lamented the end of their freedom, the end of the large exhale we all felt when she first went on vacation. It kind of amazes me how I can almost totally ignore her, how she no longer has much effect on my work day, and yet there's that very subtle awareness of just how much more happy and relaxed I am when she's not around, even if I like to pretend she's wearing an invisibility cloak all the time when she is here.

Besides her, work overall is going fairly well, despite the fact I haven't confessed my departure to my boss yet. Why? Because I'm a complete coward and my boss, whom I have grown to deeply like and admire, will be SUPER pissed. I'm the first person she's had to really help her out ever, (her workload is monstrous), and she's really enjoyed it. And I know she's thankful and thinks I rock, cause she literally said so in her own self-evaluation she handed in to her boss last week. Huzzah!

And one thing I realized a little while ago, is that although I'm getting paid fucking peanuts, and a good part of my job involves menial tasks, I am still learning a LOT. I feel like I have acquired, under her guidance, a real kind of expertise in certain academic areas of higher education. This would have been an ideal job for me about 10 years ago - a position to learn and grow in. Now, it's just kind of an interesting internship.

In other news, Beau and I are very slowly moving into freaking out-bickering mode. With the upcoming move to Missouri becoming more of a reality (we kind of are in the "we'll believe it when we're actually turning the key in the rental truck" kind of mentality), a lot of the oppressive stress that accompanies such a big move is beginning to descend. As always for Beau that includes, "How the FUCK are we going to pay for all of this?!" For me, that includes, "How are we going to pack and get this place cleaned in time?!" Due to our awful student loan situation and back taxes, we will not see one single cent of our "stimulus" check. So much for that MUCH NEEDED help. All those who went out and bought new leather furniture or jet skis or a trip to Hawaii can kiss my white butt.

And, being the World's #1 EXPERT on moving, I have already begun, with a great amount of gusto, to prepare for the move. I began taking pictures off the wall and packing away books the day after Beau accepted his new teaching job. We've already cleaned out our little storage unit and I have rapidly begun filling it with precisely-packed boxes. I'd pack even more, just so we could get a headstart on what I'm truly dreading -- the CLEANING -- but the slow disappearance of our worldly possessions from the small apartment is beginning to make Beau nervous. It's true, the simple act of removing pictures from the wall turns your place from a "home" to an empty hotel room.

Speaking of student loans - those beasts of educational burden - both Beau and I were finally tracked down by our loan people and forced (yes, forced) to start coughing up money again. Some guy kept calling my work (thank god someone else answers the phone), and asking for me. When I looked up the private company he worked for, the website displayed a sort of creepy "We can find anyone, dead or alive!!!" motto. FREAKED me out. And I very much doubted that I was being sought out for an inheritance from an unknown rich relative. Still, though I knew it was most likely the student loan people (my credit is otherwise just fine now), it was rather scary that they would hire such a company.

Well, after the guy called several times, and the receptionist was starting to give me the "I'm getting sick of covering for you" speech, I bucked up and took his call. Unsurprisingly, it was the student loan people, but in a weird twist of fate, it was NOT the people who own the 90% overall chunk of my loans, but the guys who have the other 10%. Seeing as I can only possibly pay one of these guys at a time, at least it was the 10% people who got me. If/when the 90% people get me, I'm going to fucking starve, and I'm not being cute.

My weight continues to be a big issue, and continues to aggravate my blood pressure. I've wanted to get off my blood pressure meds, not just because I hate having a host of pills to take every morning, but also to save me from the humiliation of my office mates watching me get up and go to the restroom every 30-60 minutes like some sort of pregnant racehorse. But my doctor said unless I had some sort of "significant weight loss," I had to take them or face a stroke. Lovely.

I'm still pretty stymied as to why I've been so steadily and rapidly gaining weight, despite the continued dramatic changes in my diet. I've even begun running in the mornings, an activity I don't enjoy, so hopefully something will come of that soon. It's funny, many years ago I was a long-distance runner, and now when my fat ass runs a much shorter length, I feel so totally ridiculous. It's like my body is flapping and protruding all over the place. As I run, I swear it feels like I'm sticking my butt out in some kind of tarty pose. My feet pound on the ground like I'm trying to grind corn. And after my short run, I have the same heart-searing, gasping-for-the-breath-of-life feelings I once had after running an under-7-minute mile. To think I won that Presidential Fitness Award twice as a kid. Now? Pathetic.

One big joy has been our community garden which is again chock-full of tomato plants (20 this year!), purple and yellow beans, butternut squash, Thai chilies, basil, mint, kale, and THE most amazing sugar pea and snow pea plants I have ever seen, thankyouverymuch! The pea plants are beginning to take on a familiar Little Shop of Horrors look to them, which I am rather proud of. It was pretty touch and go for awhile, since just TWO FRICKIN WEEKS AGO it snowed here! Yes, yes, it snowed! For TWO days! In JUNE! Death to tomato plants! Luckily, they pulled through (not sure if the Thai chilies will make a comeback), so I eagerly await their bounty.

Oh, and another big joy has been the re-submergence into the glorious world that is Harry Potter. After a year or two of begging Beau to read the first book, he finally did, and with the second book, we continued our ritual of "Beau drives, J. reads," one of my favorite things in the whole world. So, to and from work, to and from the store, and muting the TV on commercial breaks at home, I read and read and read from the glorious books. We read a book, then immediately watch the movie. We just watched the Order of the Phoenix dvd this past weekend, and I'm already well past page 100 in book 6. It was so wonderful to introduce him to Lupin and Tonks and the awesomeness that is Fred & George and Neville and Luna and.... *happy sigh* We just need to finish Half-Blood Prince by November when the movie comes out, which I think will be no problem at all. I can hardly wait to start reading book 7!!!

Divine Dance Dance Intervention

As with many married couples, Beau and I have gained a bit of weight since our wedding day. Since graduating from high school, I've slid up and down the same range of 20lbs, with varying degrees of firm muscle and smooshy fat. But since I quit Shop-n-Smile - my nightly 4-hour walk complete with dozens of squats and heavy lifting - my weight has taken a massive leap skyward, and I am now the heaviest of my life, well beyond that 20lb range.

It feels gross, and uncomfortable, and though my clothes still "fit," they feel tight and bothersome. Also, my chronic stomach problems seem to become magnified when my weight goes up.

Plus, I'm pretty damn depressed, and winter is fast approaching - two prescriptions for weight gain anyway. The New Zealand thing, which I deposited a lot more hope in than even I realized, doesn't look too promising now. With Beau being in America, NZ schools see hiring him, sight/site unseen as a risk, and I totally understand - I went through the same thing when I hired teachers in Thailand. But it's maddening to know that he's such an amazing, gifted teacher, and his talents are being wasted in the wasteland that is Missoula's substitute teacher system.

A little over a week ago I had this dream. I was playing Dance Dance Revolution - the super hyper dance video game that involves a mat with arrows that you step on in time with the arrows passing by on your TV screen. It's similar to Guitar Hero, but you use your feet. Kind of feels like a Dance Club version of Twister. I can't remember much more about the dream, but it was one of those where you wake up and the dream just seems to have a powerful grip on you that lingers far beyond the usual ones. I laid there and thought of how I'd seen several news stories about how DDR was this weight loss phenomenon for fat, introverted kids who stayed home and played video games all night. There were many cases of kids losing over 100lbs each. Now they even use it in schools! I always thought that was really cool, but wasn't interested in buying a video game system. Civ IV is the only purchased computer game I've ever needed (well, except for maybe Diner Dash).

In real life, I've only tried DDR once at a friend's house, and I completely and utterly sucked at it, not to mention that I looked like a total dweeb. But for some reason, I took this dream as divine inspiration. Okay, maybe not DIVINE, but I dunno. Sure, it looks pretty crazy typed out like it is now...

Anyway, I went to Wally World where Beau was working that day and approached the Electronics people. I know that you can play DDR on pretty much any video game system, so I asked one saleswoman, "What's the cheapest way I can play DDR?" She led me around to view several massive glass cases stocked full of video games, as we had to weave in and around the hypnotized goons playing Guitar Hero III. The best she seemed to find was a $400 game system (I think maybe it was Wii or Playstation 3) along with a $80 DDR game. Ugh. No dream or weight loss system is worth that much. After she left, I wandered around some more until I found a Playstation 2 system for about $129 with the DDR game priced at about $50. Though still pricey, this seemed much more reasonable. I found Beau and brought him over, but he was less than thrilled. Money is tight and this was an extravagant purchase for us. We went back and forth for a bit, then he walked away and I walked around the store some more. Finally, I decided to get it, and use the credit card in my name. I told myself that Montana's lack of sales tax and the additional 10% off employee discount I'd get would make a big difference. These are the kinds of things you tell yourself at these moments when a part of you feels guilty for spending cash.

But why make such a reckless purchase? (Besides the fact that I've never been that great a manager of money?). Well, I just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I had to DO something. This may not make much sense to some of you, especially regarding the silliness of buying a video game system or losing weight, but it makes perfect sense to me. When you're clinically depressed, and honey, this ain't my FIRST rodeo, you feel yourself sinking, sinking, sinking until you get to the point that you just cannot see a way out of the darkness. I find it is similar to an alcohol or drug abuser, in that most people reach a point, the proverbial "rock bottom," where say, "Fuck this! I need help! I need to make changes!" and so begins the slow steps to recovery.

But the difference is that with Depression, you sink and sink, and then at some point you just sort of plateau...and there you reside. I've often said that Depression becomes a comfortable way of life for the afflicted, which is why you find people who claim to be desperate to get out of it, but who never seem to make any real moves to do so. Even someone like me who is very sympathetic to being in that state, has grown impatient and frustrated with others - namely those who beg you for help, and then turn around and refuse all offers. I had one friend in grad school who slowly alienated all others with her suicidal-but-not-really personality. I spent many nights on the phone, in her apartment, listening to her, consoling her. At some point, I started to try to help her. I talked to her about the University's fantastic counseling center, therapy and/or medication, support groups, helpful books to read, her clergyperson, ANYTHING. Despite her pleas for help, all suggestions were pa-shawed off. After more endless J-therapy sessions that exhausted me, and seemingly only rejuvenated her for a day, it slowly became clear to me that she didn't want help. She was comfortable residing on that plateau, despite what she said. She had to make her own decision to climb out.

An-y-way, to me, buying the PS2 and DDR was about taking action. It's about consciously making changes and taking steps to get out of this stupid super funk and lose weight and have more energy and sleep better and be a little bit happier.

And here I am, a few weeks later, and it's kinda working. As far as the weight goes, I lost a pound and then a week later gained a half a pound back - whoopty-doo - but I feel a lot better. I can't really articulate it, but I definitely do notice a boost in energy and I've slept through the night for the past two nights in a row - quite a feat for me. I know that when I do set out to lose weight, it's a very slow process, so I'm patient.

But the trick to kicking Depression is action. You can have the pills and the therapy, both of which I recommend, but you also have to do some of your own work. It's so easy to give in and just stay home and (over)sleep and be safe and warm and eat mac-n-cheese and watch lots and lots of Forensic Files and Law & Order *cough blush* and though I will continue to enjoy all those things, I can't be stagnant any longer.

I read something online today in regards to the writers' strike, and it said something about the blogosphere being "the unhappiest place on earth." Hahahah, that really made me laugh. It's so true; how many of us have blogs about how shitty our lives are? One thing I have truly learned in the past few months by reading the blogs of many of my friends, yes you, is that we ALL have shit to deal with. We've all got something in our life that is weighing us down - money matters, health issues, spouse troubles, family entanglements, job woes (sidenote: my job still sucks - and I might not have it much longer). Everyone has something serious they face. And I have to say that I truly admire the Mutual Admiration Society that is blogging. We're all depressed, we all love each other, and we're all virtually there for each other. *sniff*

And now for me, it's time to dance!
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For your enjoyment, I am including the youtube of a small child and one of a one-legged man who would both kick my ASS on DDR any day. The first week or two I danced on it, I was alone, but was so ridiculous I was embarrassed to be with myself. Now, I'm at least respectable at the game, but can't hold a candle to these two: