You're Never Satisfied

So, I got the job.

I wish I could say I was thrilled, ecstatic, happy, and excited. But really, I'm slightly disappointed and mostly just relieved (kind of like when you find out you're not pregnant after a pregnancy scare). I have yearned for the "security" that a permanent job offers (as well as medical insurance, annual leave, etc.), for an entire year now, and to not be a temp certainly gives me a much stronger sense of stability. But...but but but.

I'm a brat.

Especially since it's even better than I imagined. After my boss (the Big Cheese) took me into a room, I thought I was being let go, for sure. I felt kind of okay about it, since I'd been steeling myself for it for weeks and weeks, though I'm sure once I got home, I would have bawled my eyes out.

Then he told me I had the job, and furthermore, because I had expressed my desire to really have a more substantive role and duties, I was to be given that too. I'll get to work on some real issues here at the university. PLUS, I will be working exclusively with my Cool Boss and not at ALL with the ever-aggravating Office Manager Woman (OMW). They will be hiring an ADDITIONAL person to do all the plebian stuff that I've been doing and to work closely with OMW to help her get out from under her massive workload.

Oh yeah, and I'll be getting a "substantive raise."

Fantastic! Right? It sure sounds great as I type it all out. And make no mistake, I am truly grateful for this chance to prove that all this potential I have is the real deal. This is a good opportunity and I plan to make the most of it.

But I also realize that my heart is not in it. Oh, I'll make sure to do a good job, I'll continue to work hard and give it my all, but I think I "left" Montana already. This is sort of a state of mind I get when I KNOW I'm going to leave a place. About a month or two before I actually do, I kind of mentally leave it already. It can make it pretty unbearable to wait out those final weeks, but I guess it's a bit of a defensive mechanism to get me excited for the new place and ease the transition of leaving behind the old. I still remember making my "Goodbye" mixed tape when I left Arizona just a week after high school graduation to fly to Wisconsin for college (I was in a summer program before my freshman year began). As the plane took off, my heart pounding, "Already Gone" by the Eagles was playing in my ears, followed by songs like "Philadelphia Freedom" and "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John and "I'm Free" by Kenny Loggins.

I've just become so disenchanted with Montana this past year that I yearn to start anew. I feel like I'm done here, and unless the dream job of the universe fell in my lap, I'm not sure I could muster up the excitement to stick around. And even if a great job DID come about, that doesn't change the fact that wages are low, we live hand to mouth, and that the possibility of purchasing a house has now become a joke (Missoula housing prices continue to skyrocket despite the rest of the nation's housing slump).

I now fantasize about returning to Missouri (hopefully Columbia or Springfield area), and still dream of New Zealand. I feel like I'm just treading water here and wasting precious time. I'll be 35 next month and I have no career to show for it, not to mention that if I want to get knocked up, the clock has recently begun to tick in my ear. I need a job that I can not only use my education and skills in, but one that I look forward to going to every day. And my husband needs that as well. I'm not ashamed to say this place has crushed us. I don't feel shame because I know that we're two worthy, educated, talented people who just got a shit deal, and that in many other places, we'd be kicking some ass right now.

But for now, I'm gainfully employed. Hallelujah.

Onward!